The Night Watches

There are many times in the course of the day where I can say that I have not gotten what I wanted.  The list is long and ranges from somewhat simple to a bit more complex. Sometimes, this list of unmet desires is easily brushed off and does not deeply effect me. Other times, one of these things just trips me up so hard, that I tailspin into despair and hopelessness rather quickly. This isn't an everyday occurrence, but it is enough that I realize how quickly my hope gets put into the wrong things and how much I need to be reminded of truth. I long for a clean home (for more than the 10 minutes I get before a little person un-does it all), I would love to have respectful and obedient children most of the time, I would love to be able to loose those extra stubborn pounds that just wont budge, I would love to have a maid, or just sleep more,  I want my skin to clear up and be blemish free, I want my son to be rid of cancer forever, I want those I love to know Jesus as their s...

If you have asked me how we are doing or we have talked at all in the past couple months, you have heard me say many times how excited we are for the end of Jack's treatment for Leukemia. Each month brings us closer to the end. Here we now are, only 4 short months away. This has been so anticipated, and I simply cannot believe how close to the end we actually are. I am amazed by the hand of the Lord carrying us, protecting Jack, and strengthening us in it all. At the very beginning of this journey, when the Dr. told me it would be 3 1/2 years of treatment, I thought it would be the longest time in my life. And now, here we stand on the cusp of that ending.  As we near the end of it all, I have been filled with many emotions and questions. If you think about it, the past almost three years have had a somewhat regular rhythm to them for us. Daily chemo, weekly then monthly Dr. visits, blood work ups to give us a baseline for where Jack was at, fever patrol ending with us in the E...

It is an amazing thing to look back on the past 7 years. Many things seem so long ago and forgotten in the dimness of my memory, many details lost and forgotten. And, yet so many other moments are so clearly etched into my heart and mind, that time will never erase them. On this day early in the morning hours, my water broke, 3 weeks before my actual due date. An unexpected surprise. On this day, my ideas and thoughts and dreams of becoming a mom became a reality. After 15 hours of labor and pushing for 2 1/2 more hours, I finally got to see and touch and kiss what hours before I could only imagine.This sweet chubby boy with a head full of black hair came into my arms and did things to my heart, I never knew were possible. In that moment, I became a momma, for real. All of a sudden, I went from kinda living in a sacrificial way for others, to being full on in the business of laying my life down for another, whether I was rested enough or not. Having such a lovable angel baby made...

As much as I have thought of this blog as being dead, I wanted to take the time to revive it, if only for this one post. I want to make sure I sit down, take the time to ponder and reflect on my sweet Jack, the celebration of his life, and be filled with gratefulness again for the gift he is to our family. My sweet strong survivor son is 5 years old. How can it be already? It is amazing how he can seem so little and be my snuggly affectionate baby, and yet he seems so mature and steady way beyond his 5 years of life. This sweet tender hearted boy amazes me time and time again. Jordan and I were just talking together about how he doesn't often react to things in a big way. For example, when we surprise him with things, he responds in a very measured way, calmly says, "I know...." For a dramatic momma, who wants to see a big happy response, this is very anti-climatic. Yet it is how he is. He just takes things in stride. Well, except when he is being bothered by his b...

This week, we went in the clinic for our monthly visit, to get IV chemotherapy and a spinal tap. My buddy had to fast since he was going under general anesthesia for this procedure and was, as a result, not happy about getting his port accessed and not being allowed to eat. The day went by quickly though, and Jack was the second patient to go back to the procedure room. There is no other experience in life, like holding your child as they are given sedation. The feeling of their weight suddenly increasing as it sets in and they totally relax, awkwardly trying to cradle their now floppy head as you lay them on the operating table. I think now, over two years into this, I have finally figured out the best way to cradle him against me so that I can be whispering how much I love him in his ear as he drifts to sleep, while supporting the fullness of his body and little head. I am always amazed at how quickly these spinal taps are wrapped up. It seems only 10 minutes between the time I lay h...

Wednesday night, while I was cooking dinner for our little family and a friend, my boys were quietly coloring at the dining room table. It was so peaceful and quiet. That should have been clue number one that something was amis. We were laughing and chatting in the kitchen, the meal just about complete. All of a sudden, Dylan ran into the room. But not your typical, racing speeds shouting something unintelligible. He ran straight to me, and wrapped himself around my legs. He hid his head between my knees. And he wasn't letting go. He said something along the lines of '"oh no", at least I think that is what he said.... He began to pull me towards the doorway that leads to our living room, all the while his grip on my leg remained firm. He was hesitant to take me to his destination, but also seemed like he knew he had to tell me something. He has never done this before. And so, I walked around the bend to find my cream colored couch covered with orange marker. To his cr...

Read this today in Charles Spurgeon's Chequebook from the bank of Faith, and how fitting it was... The Dross Purged "And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The LORD is my God.’” (Zechariah 13:9) "The fire only refines; it does not destroy. We are to be brought through the fire, not left in it. The Lord values His people as silver, and therefore He is at pains to purge away their dross. If we are wise, we shall rather welcome the refining process than decline it. Our prayer will be that our alloy may be taken from us rather than that we should be withdrawn from the crucible. O Lord, Thou triest us indeed! We are ready to melt under the fierceness of the flame. Still, this is Thy way, and Thy way is the best. Sustain us under the trial and complete the process of our purifying, and we will be Thi...