Thank you so much for taking the time to visit our family blog. This may be your first visit here, or you may be a friend from across the globe, or family that we have just seen. Who ever you may be, thanks for taking the time to read about our little family, and all we are learning on this adventure the Lord has called us to live! Here you will find, the random thoughts, funny stories, prayer requests, and the journey our family and Jack is on with his battle with Leukemia.

.clinging to faith.

friends, read to the end... I promise it is going to be worth it! And don't skip ahead.... 
Then the man said, “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking.” “I will not let you go,” Jacob replied, “unless you bless me.” ...Then he blessed Jacob there. — Gen 32:26,29 NET
Jacob got the victory and the blessing not by wrestling, but by clinging. His limb was out of joint and he could struggle no longer, but he would not let go. Unable to wrestle, he wound his arms around the neck of his mysterious antagonist and hung all his helpless weight upon him, until at last he conquered.
We will not get victory in prayer until we too cease our struggling, giving up our own will and throw our arms about our Father’s neck in clinging faith.
What can puny human strength take by force out of the hand of Omnipotence? Can we wrest blessing by force from God? It is never the violence of willfulness that prevails with God. It is the might of clinging faith, that gets the blessing and the victories. It is not when we press and urge our own will, but when humility and trust unite in saying, “Not my will, but Thine.” We are strong with God only in the degree that self is conquered and is dead. Not by wrestling, but by clinging can we get the blessing. —J. R. Miller
An incident from the prayer life of Charles H. Usher (illustrating “soul-cling” as a hindrance to prevailing prayer): "My little boy was very ill. The doctors held out little hope of his recovery. I had used all the knowledge of prayer which I possessed on his behalf, but he got worse and worse. This went on for several weeks.
“One day I stood watching him as he lay in his cot, and I saw that he could not live long unless he had a turn for the better. I said to God, ’O God, I have given much time in prayer for my boy and he gets no better; I must now leave him to Thee, and I will give myself to prayer for others. If it is Thy will to take him, I choose Thy will—I surrender him entirely to Thee.’
“I called in my dear wife, and told her what I had done. She shed some tears, but handed him over to God. Two days afterwards a man of God came to see us. He had been very interested in our boy Frank, and had been much in prayer for him.
“He said, ’God has given me faith to believe that he will recover—have you faith?’
“I said, ’I have surrendered him to God, but I will go again to God regarding him.’ I did; and in prayer I discovered that I had faith for his recovery. From that time he began to get better. It was the ’soul-cling’ in my prayers which had hindered God answering; and if I had continued to cling and had been unwilling to surrender him, I doubt if my boy would be with me today.
“Child of God! If you want God to answer your prayers, you must be prepared to follow the footsteps of ’our father Abraham,’ even to the Mount of Sacrifice.” (See Rom. 4:12.)

These difficult and insightful words struck me hard a couple months ago. The one year mark of trying to conceive the next baby had come and gone and I had finally gotten to a place of truly letting go. As painful as has been to surrender my heart cry for another child, it is what I knew the Lord wanted me to do. So I prayed that the Lord would help me to trust in Him. The constant heartache had been lessened. I truly wanted to live in the moment, savoring the good gifts God had already lavishly given me right then.  My desperation dissipated as I let go of my demand of this child.
Another month came and went, new babies were announced and birthed. The sting to my weary heart actually lessened and I was surprisingly and supernaturally filled with peace. So when I read the things above, my head kinda reeled. Was God bringing me to a place of surrender, only to have me come back and place my request before him again? Did faith look different after surrender took place? I wasn't sure. I wasn't even sure I had that new faith to ask again. I wasn't sure I could ask without demanding. I wasn't sure if I could handle hearing no again.
But it became clear that was the very thing God was leading me to do. So I prayed. And Jordan prayed. We asked big things of God, differently than before. With more faith and trust. And then we waited. 

And I rested in a posture of a relinquished will. I accepted that for me, I had had to be brought low, to be broken of the thinking that I knew what was best for me, that my ways were better than God's. You would think after the past three and a half years on the journey of Jack's cancer, my stubborn heart would have picked up that lesson already. But I have a hard head and often a hard heart. And so, out of a place of submission, I asked for His will not mine. I asked that he help me to trust in him for the timing, for the future and for the life of the child I now had renewed faith that He had  planned for us.
It was simple. No pleading. No begging. No demanding. I prayed and I left it in the care of my Father. And he heard my prayer. He always does. Scripture is emphatic that we have  prayer hearing God. That he loves to hear our heart cries.

And once again, I find myself amazed that not only does He hear our weak broken prayers, but he answers them. In His perfect and measured ways. He answers our prayers.

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true faith

From Streams in the Desert:

The land which I do give them, even the children of Israel (Joshua 1:2).
God is speaking about something immediate in this verse. It is not something He is going to do, but something He does do, in this very moment. So faith ever speaks. So God ever gives. He meets you today, in the present moment. This is the test of faith. So long as you are waiting for a thing, hoping for it, looking for it, you are not believing. It may be hope, it may be earnest desire, but it is not faith; for "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." The command in regard to believing prayer is the present tense. "When ye pray, believe that ye receive the things that ye desire, and ye shall have them." Have we come to that moment? Have we met God in His everlasting NOW?
--Joshua, by Simpson
True faith counts on God, and believes before it sees. Naturally, we want some evidence that our petition is granted before we believe; but when we walk by faith we need no other evidence than God's Word. He has spoken, and according to our faith it shall be done unto us. We shall see because we have believed, and this faith sustains us in the most trying places, when everything around us seems to contradict God's Word.
The Psalmist says, "I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of living" (Ps. 27:13). He did not see as yet the Lord's answer to his prayers, but he believed to see; and this kept him from fainting.
If we have the faith that believes to see, it will keep us from growing discouraged. We will "laugh at impossibilities," we shall watch with delight to see how God is going to open up a path through the Red Sea when there is no human way out of our difficulty. It is just in such places of severe testing that our faith grows and strengthens.
Have you been waiting upon God, dear troubled one, during long nights and weary days, and have feared that you were forgotten? Nay, lift up your head, and begin to praise Him even now for the deliverance which is on its way to you.
--Life of Praise

Talk about being convicted. The Lord used this, among some wise words from loving friends, to bring sweet conviction to my heart this past week. The revelation I am seeking to take firm hold of, is that true faith is different, much different than pining away for something, waiting and waiting looking for evidence that the thing is on its way. It is believing that God has done the thing, and in HIS perfect time, will be given and revealed to me. How comforting, how challenging, how simple. 
All this time, I have been wrestling, and growing. But now I think I am seeing and believing. True faith is the assurance that God is a promise keeper, that he is good, that he does not withhold, and that he knows far better than I. 
Just wanted to share this little tidbit of grace. 

.to know the giver of the gift.

I've recently been pondering what the divine purpose to the Lord's plan to withhold another baby in our family might be. While I know the scriptures tell me over and over how unlike God I am, how His thoughts are not my thoughts, and how high and lifted up His ways are, I have still found myself eager to see deeper into his purpose for this time in my life. If I am to be tested I want to grow. I do not want to remain stagnant in this life. 
I can think of many many reasons for this "closing of my womb" that make logical sense. I can see, when I am being my most objective, how it is wisdom to be all here right now with my three rascals that need all of me now. I can see how, if I had gotten pregnant 9 months ago when we began to try for baby #4, it might not have been the best timing. I an see these things. I may not like them. But I can see.
A dear friend who has been carrying my desires to the Lord in prayer these past several months, reminded me of the all-knowing God, who knows the plans He has for my life, and warned me of the dangers of demanding my will of God. She reminded me that like Job, I long to be heard and have an answer from God. Do I really want my will over the will of God? 
Some days, the answer to that is yes. Yes when I hear of another friend who is pregnant. The days when tears come readily and I cry to the Lord as a child who feels forgotten. Yes, when I just don't understand his good plan and  I just want my way. But then I am reminded to step back and pray. To recall the past Providences of the Lord. His many faithful perfected ways He has led me, protected me, and saved me over the years. And then my hard stubborn and proud will that cries, "My way is better" gets softened. And I end up wanting the will of the Lord more than anything. And it is well with my soul. It really is amazing how He changes my heart again and again. It gives me hope, knowing that although the "thing" I want, I am not getting; the greater good is happening in my heart. He is making me grow in trust, helping me lay down my desire for control, and deepening my roots of faith into the truth of His word. 
I read this excerpt from Streams in the Desert this morning and it really effected me. It helped me to have peace when I do not seem to get an answer from the Lord. I long with all my heart to be like the last woman in this story. I pray that if you too are feeling that your cries to the Lord are met with silence that you be encouraged as I was. To fight the temptation to believe that He has forgotten you, and cling to the truth that not one moment passes that we are not out of the loving care and gaze of our Father in heaven. 

He answered her not a word (Matt. 15:23).
He will be silent in his love (Zeph. 3:17).
It may be a child of God is reading these words who has had some great crushing sorrow, some bitter disappointment, some heart-breaking blow from a totally unexpected quarter. You are longing for your Master's voice bidding you "Be of good cheer," but only silence and a sense of mystery and misery meet you --"He answered her not a word."
God's tender heart must often ache listening to all the sad, complaining cries which arise from our weak, impatient hearts, because we do not see that for our own sakes He answers not at all or otherwise than seems best to our tear-blinded, short-sighted eyes. The silences of Jesus are as eloquent as His speech and may be a sign, not of His disapproval, but of His approval and of a deep purpose of blessing for you.
"Why art thou cast down, O…soul?" Thou shalt yet praise Him, yes, even for His silence. Listen to an old and beautiful story of how one Christian dreamed that she saw three others at prayer. As they knelt the Master drew near to them.
As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her in tenderness and grace, with smiles full of radiant love and spoke to her in accents of purest, sweetest music. Leaving her, He came to the next, but only placed His hand upon her bowed bead, and gave her one look of loving approval. The third woman He passed almost abruptly without stopping for a word or glance.
The woman in her dream said to herself, "How greatly He must love the first one, to the second He gave His approval, but none of the special demonstrations of love He gave the first; and the third must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all and not even a passing look.
"I wonder what she has done, and why He made so much difference between them?" As she tried to account for the action of her Lord, He Himself stood by her and said: "O woman! how wrongly hast thou interpreted Me. The first kneeling woman needs all the weight of My tenderness and care to keep her feet in My narrow way. She needs My love, thought and help every moment of the day. Without it she would fail and fall.
"The second has stronger faith and deeper love, and I can trust her to trust Me however things may go and whatever people do. The third, whom I seemed not to notice, and even to neglect, has faith and love of the finest quality, and her I am training by quick and drastic processes for the highest and holiest service.
"She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so utterly, that she is independent of words or looks or any outward intimation of My approval. She is not dismayed nor discouraged by any circumstances through which I arrange that she shall pass; she trusts Me when sense and reason and every finer instinct of the natural heart would rebel;--because she knows that I am working in her for eternity, and that what I do, though she knows not the explanation now, she will understand hereafter.
"I am silent in My love because I love beyond the power of words to express, or of human hearts to understand, and also for your sakes that you may learn to love and trust Me in Spirit-taught, spontaneous response to My love, without the spur of anything outward to call it forth."
He "will do marvels" if you will learn the mystery of His silence, and praise Him, for every time He withdraws His gifts that you may better know and love the Giver.

when you dont get what you want

There are many times in the course of the day where I can say that I have not gotten what I wanted.  The list is long and ranges from somewhat simple to a bit more complex. Sometimes, this list of unmet desires is easily brushed off and does not deeply effect me. Other times, one of these things just trips me up so hard, that I tailspin into despair and hopelessness rather quickly. This isn't an everyday occurrence, but it is enough that I realize how quickly my hope gets put into the wrong things and how much I need to be reminded of truth.

I long for a clean home (for more than the 10 minutes I get before a little person un-does it all), I would love to have respectful and obedient children most of the time, I would love to be able to loose those extra stubborn pounds that just wont budge, I would love to have a maid, or just sleep more,  I want my skin to clear up and be blemish free, I want my son to be rid of cancer forever, I want those I love to know Jesus as their savior, I want our church to reach Arlington with the power of the gospel in powerful ways, I want to know Jesus deeper and love reading the Bible more... so many things. I really could go on. But that would not be helpful to anyone. So lets bring it to the now, where I am currently dealing with a very real un-met want.

In the past many months, 8 to be exact, it would seems as though the Lord is telling me no on something that I want very dearly to my heart. You see, we "decided" that we were finally in faith to add another little person to our family, being that we were so close to the end of Jack's treatment. Seeing as we were in faith, and that I had conceived almost immediately with the other three children, I fully expected to be carrying a babe in my womb by now. Jack getting cancer put a pause on my "plans" to be a family with 4 kids, and so the desire for another baby (and hope for a daughter) have been long brewing in my heart.

I had been content to wait it out, until we were in a better place and ready to add more to our already crazy life. But you see, I always had "plans." I had an idea of what was in fact "good for our family" Cancer was NOT part of that plan. But neither was many months of not getting pregnant.  When we arrived in that place of readiness, what a shock it was to go 1, then 2, then 3,4, 5, 6, 7 and now into the 8th month and not get pregnant.

What is remarkable, is that as I have been longing for this, I have been able to see many many many women in our families and church conceive. Isn't it the way the Lord works, that when we long for a blessing, we so easily see it being poured out into the lives of others. And by the grace of God, I have not once been angry or bitter at any one of those dear friends. And I have been able to rejoice with them. I see him at work in this area in my heart. He is helping me to lay down my idol of control, and to trust him with my days and lay my plans down. He is helping me to grow in contentment and peace, and deepening my trust in him when the things I want I do not get.

But it has been hard. Oh so hard. My heart has been longing for a baby for well over a year. There have been moments of grief and disappointment and heartache each month, but even then, the Lord swiftly reminds me of the truth that I truly want His plan and not my own for our life. I do wrestle for faith in this. God is faithful in meeting me, but I do have to fight for faith. It is a good fight, but one none the less.

God has been teaching me so much during this time. Each month I feel he is bringing new things to light and molding me more into his image and building more trust and faith in him. And here is one of the lessons I am most grateful for, I feel my heart bursting with empathy, compassion and deep care for the many many women who have struggled with infertility for years. In my weakness, 8 months seems like forever. And I feel I now have some small window into the heart ache that others face. And that is a lesson hard won and one Iam profoundly grateful to have learned, so that I may love others better. If the Lord has divine purposes in all of my trials, both big and small, I pray I run towards them with eyes fixed on a Father who loves and does not lead his children astray.

I read this poem this morning and it so encouraged my heart. If you find yourself more aware of the long list of things that are not going your way, I pray your soul be lifted up, as mine was this morning. From heartache to hope in the God who holds the key.

Is there some problem in your life to solve,
Some passage seeming full of mystery?
God knows, who brings the hidden things to light.
He keeps the key.

Is there some door closed by the Father's hand
Which widely opened you had hoped to see?
Trust God and wait--for when He shuts the door
He keeps the key.

Is there some earnest prayer unanswered yet,
Or answered NOT as you had thought 'twould be?
God will make clear His purpose by-and-by.
He keeps the key.

Have patience with your God, your patient God,
All wise, all knowing, no long tarrier He,
And of the door of all thy future life
He keeps the key.

Unfailing comfort, sweet and blessed rest,
To know of EVERY door He keeps the key.
That He at last when just HE sees 'tis best,
Will give it THEE.

preparing for the end {pt. 1}

If you have asked me how we are doing or we have talked at all in the past couple months, you have heard me say many times how excited we are for the end of Jack's treatment for Leukemia. Each month brings us closer to the end. Here we now are, only 4 short months away. This has been so anticipated, and I simply cannot believe how close to the end we actually are. I am amazed by the hand of the Lord carrying us, protecting Jack, and strengthening us in it all. At the very beginning of this journey, when the Dr. told me it would be 3 1/2 years of treatment, I thought it would be the longest time in my life. And now, here we stand on the cusp of that ending. 

As we near the end of it all, I have been filled with many emotions and questions. If you think about it, the past almost three years have had a somewhat regular rhythm to them for us. Daily chemo, weekly then monthly Dr. visits, blood work ups to give us a baseline for where Jack was at, fever patrol ending with us in the ER, watching Jack for any signs of relapse or sickness, ect. With all of those things, we have come to have a new "normal". This constant flow of prescription medications in our home, antibiotics every weekend and always with fevers, constant hand washing, sickness monitoring; these have all become just part of what we do. So the idea of ending all of it, without any weaning, not a gradual tapering off, just cold turkey throwing it all away... well, its kinda weird. 

We fully think that this last day of treatment (April 13th to be exact) is a time for celebration. It is to be a time of rejoicing in the goodness of God, His sustaining power and mercy on our son's life and reveling in the many many provisions He has made for us. And we plan to do just that. Yet also, in reality, it can also hold a little bit of fear. The protocol schedules and frequent appointments have provided reassurance and structure for us. Ultimately we have had our hope grounded in God.  But the questions do come. 

I am thrilled that the days of pills and procedures are going to end, yet there is a real little bit of  worry for a future without powerful medicines to keep the disease away. Dont hear what I am not saying... I do not want Jack to continue on his treatment a day longer than needed. The concerns about him relapsing is the main issue and honestly, leaves me feeling a little vulnerable for the time when active treatment will end. I know that God is in control of this. So I do not have to fear. I can rest assured. That the one who spared Jack so much will not abandon us now. Yet the questions still come. 

You see, not only is there the uncertainty of Jack's future health and the potential for the Leukemia to come back (which is quite low), but there are is the reality of treatment-induced learning disabilities that we will likely face. Add to that the long term effects that the poison that has been pumped into his body will have on him as he grows up. We are going to do all we can to re-build his body as he comes off of the medications, both nutritionally and academically and physically. We have been blessed to be in a great school system with many benefits in academic support, and to have a great team of Dr's. at Children's. And I know that God is the king of all who sustains his body, who will continue to help him grow and strengthen him. Yet the reality is that chemo hurts both the good and the bad cells in the human body. So the questions come. 

Here is a little window into the world of a parent of a child with cancer. With diagnosis came the acute and real awareness that God, who is not cruel and unpredictable, will sustain you in the greatest of life's storms. He does not abandon his children, he is very near to the brokenhearted and he is a great provider. Yet there is also a real awareness that sometimes life can be cruel and unpredictable. Many times I have felt safe during treatment and feel that therapy is keeping the cancer away. This is true, the chemo is doing what is was created to do, but we also know that God is in control and ultimately he is determining the growth of the cells in our child's body. Yet it is easy to trust the medicine. To hope in the medicine.  When treatment ends, parents and children must find ways to live with uncertainty, to find a balance between hope and reasonable worry. Because you are no longer just a parent, you are also a nurse, there is an new built in alertness to germs, sickness and awareness of the potential health risks. This reasonable worry, isn't that the tricky part. Learning to separate fear, and distrust in the Lord, from wise and discerning concern and awareness.   

So we are anticipating figuring out what our new "normal" is going to be. It is an exciting and new thing we are about to venture into. We know that returning to the way things were pre-cancer is unrealistic. We are different people now, changed by the storms we have walked through. God has worked in us in so many ways, and we are not so innocent thinking that difficulty will never find us, but full of faith that when they do, God will be there and He will hold us up again. The constant interaction with medical personnel is going to change over the next couple years. We will still be going into the clinic monthly for blood work, monitoring Jack. The first year off treatment is generally when a relapse would occur, so he will be watched closely, by me and our Dr.'s. But we will mainly be developing a life that does not include cancer. While it is true that the blissful ignorance of the days prior to cancer are gone forever, a different life, a new, normal one is on the horizon. One enriched by the experiences we have had over he past three years and the lessons the Lord has taught us.  

So while it is true, that the questions still come, the worry sometimes lingers, my heart can fill with aches for the what-ifs... I do know that I have a safe harbour from the storms. I do know that God knows the answers to all my questions. I know that God has numbered all of my days, and Jack's days as well.  I know that I am weak, and human and that all I am experiencing is actually normal and ok. It is ok to wrestle with these things. And wrestling is something I do. God always wins, he wins my heart and my affections and my trust.  I do not have to fear the worry itself, because the Lord will shine the light of His glory into my darkest hours. I can trust in him.

the boy who made me a momma

It is an amazing thing to look back on the past 7 years. Many things seem so long ago and forgotten in the dimness of my memory, many details lost and forgotten. And, yet so many other moments are so clearly etched into my heart and mind, that time will never erase them. On this day early in the morning hours, my water broke, 3 weeks before my actual due date. An unexpected surprise. On this day, my ideas and thoughts and dreams of becoming a mom became a reality. After 15 hours of labor and pushing for 2 1/2 more hours, I finally got to see and touch and kiss what hours before I could only imagine.This sweet chubby boy with a head full of black hair came into my arms and did things to my heart, I never knew were possible. In that moment, I became a momma, for real.



All of a sudden, I went from kinda living in a sacrificial way for others, to being full on in the business of laying my life down for another, whether I was rested enough or not. Having such a lovable angel baby made many of the sacrifices easy ones to choose. But there were many a night with a screaming baby and a weary momma,  many a day full of an angry toddler wanting his way and a new mommy trying to navigate her way through the tantrums, and many more hours spent with a willful emotional angry young boy,  trying to ease him off the ledge of foolishness back into the open arms of wisdom.

The boy who made me a momma, will always have this title. This boy changed me, both physically and emotionally. I bear the marks of motherhood all over my body, reminders of the life I carried and nurtured from the very fibers of my flesh. Reminders that my life is not my own. Reminders of true beauty not being a matter of perfected skin and taut muscles, being super skinny (not that anything is wrong with being skinny- just not setting a certain tiny size as the definition of beauty for ME) always needing to be perfectly put together, but instead it is the inward unchanging character and heart the is fully leaning on and trusting in God. These marks are beautiful, because they were hard won and remind me of the sweeter gift of my sons. And this boy has a daddy who praises and values and finds them beautiful. May this boy do the same of his one day wife.

This boy continues to be one of the greatest tools the Lord has given me to mold me into his image. He brings me joy, but he also brings me to my knees in prayer. I pray I am as an effective tool in molding this little boy into a God fearing man. My sweet tender hearted son. And let's be honest here. Being a mom is not easy. Leading and loving these little people takes every ounce of strength, and then much much more than we can ever muster up on our own. Motherhood requires so much from a woman, that she find herself utterly discouraged and beaten down when she tries to do it all on the supply of strength she has within. Motherhood is the greatest tool to bring one back to the cross again and again and again, where there, we find the strength, courage and grace to do more, kiss more boo boos, train little angry people, and love them when they destroy every inch of the home worked so hard to maintain.

For me, motherhood has been a marvelously difficult, sanctifying and joyful, exhausting thrilling adventure. The boy who made me a momma has been one of the greatest joys in my life. But if I am going to be real here, it is also true that he has brought me some of the greatest difficulties as well. I find myself often unsure of how to love him, finding myself completely out of patience, angry with him and just ready to give up. I am seeing more and more how much I need Jesus to be the mother this boy needs. I see how my angry responses teach him to respond angrily to his brothers, and to me. I see that in fact, I am not a good listener, and honestly that most of the time I do not want to listen to all he says.  Especially when I am trying to correct him. So unlike our Father in heaven. I do love him so, but it is not always fun and games. It is hard work. It required diligence and dying to self, and patiently waiting for the harvest of years of sowing.


But what I am seeing, is that God uses all my messiness, all my weakness and all my failures. He is a redeeming God, and it is amazing to me that after I sin against my sweet boy in anger, God redeems our relationship by helping Ty to forgive me and me to humble myself. He is softening my heart and my little boy's heart as well. I am seeing that even when I mess everything up, God truly is the only one who saves. I am seeing how I HAVE to entrust my little boy into the fully capable hands of our loving Father. And I am seeing how much I have to be thankful for.

And as this sweet boy turns 7 today, I am learning that power that words have in his heart. Proverbs 18:21 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."  Oh how true this is. I want to speak life. I am seeing how my words have this power in his life, and I am developing a deeper conviction to speak love and truth and grace with gentleness and mercy, no matter how inconvenienced I am or tired, or frustrated I get. When I respond in quick sharp tones, I am seeing that it literally tears him down and instructs him to speak in a similar way. It screams of anger and disapproval. It is not the way the Lord speaks to me.

I saw this so clearly when I spent just a couple moments thanking him for how I saw him show excellent self control in an situation where there was much much chaos and craziness a few days ago. When I was encouraging him, my sweet boy started to cry. He looked at me, whipping little tears from his eyes and said, "My eyes are just crying and I don't know why..." He told me his heart was so full of happiness it hurt. Oh my soul, let me speak life into this tender hearted boy. Lord keep me from being the means of hardening his heart, by my anger and impatience. Help me to love him in the way that you want me to.


Oh this sweet sweet compassionate, science loving, Harry Potter Lego crazed, Mincraft obsessed,  snugly, passionate, justice loving, perfectionist, smart, silly blue eyed boy.... how this momma loves you. Thank you for being all you are, for fiercely loving everything you do, for loving our family so much. Thank you for seeing your daddy as a man to emulate and because of his example for always saying you want to be a daddy when you grow up. I love your silly stories, your desire to be understood, the way you long to have everyone you love be near to you. I love how you still let me hold hands with you, give me sweet kissess, and think that I am funny and cool.

I am so grateful to God that He gave me you. That you are my boy that made me a momma.

Jack turns 5

As much as I have thought of this blog as being dead, I wanted to take the time to revive it, if only for this one post. I want to make sure I sit down, take the time to ponder and reflect on my sweet Jack, the celebration of his life, and be filled with gratefulness again for the gift he is to our family.


My sweet strong survivor son is 5 years old. How can it be already? It is amazing how he can seem so little and be my snuggly affectionate baby, and yet he seems so mature and steady way beyond his 5 years of life. This sweet tender hearted boy amazes me time and time again. Jordan and I were just talking together about how he doesn't often react to things in a big way. For example, when we surprise him with things, he responds in a very measured way, calmly says, "I know...." For a dramatic momma, who wants to see a big happy response, this is very anti-climatic. Yet it is how he is.

He just takes things in stride. Well, except when he is being bothered by his brothers. That is another matter altogether. In the middle of the three boys, he has grown to be the most self-less giving boy. I have seen him differ to Tyler and Dylan time and time again, it is amazing. He puts others before himself more often than he strives to be first. He loves to do it too. It is not in a defeated way, but just, that is what he feels is right.

This boy also seems to have a heart after God. He thinks in terms of how big God is, and often just states how things work because of God and how good God is. We are in a weekly bible study that has an amazing children's program, and every week, he is singing the bible verse songs, and telling me about our great God who listens to our prayers. He loves it when we pray over him at bedtime. It is a sweet time with him.

I have often wondered what the future holds for him. I have prayed for his future wife, for his future endeavors. I have thought about how walking through fire at such a young age has had such an impact on his life, and have wondered what the far reaching effects of this will have and how God will use it.

It amazes me, that as we come to the final stretch of this road of cancer, when I consider how my child has been broken down physically and endured so much, how the Lord has sustained him. How in that brokenness has risen strength. My sweet Jack.

To my sweet boy,
Oh my darling son. Even as I sit here typing out these words, I pray you will one day read, tears are filling my eyes. We have spent many many hours together, just you and I. In the car, at the hospital, in our home, just living life. Most of those memories, I see in my memory your little hand in mine.

One day that hand will not be little, but I will forever treasure how tightly you held on to my hand. I will always remember the gentle way you held to me when you were hurting, the tight hugs when you were afraid, the sweet kisses you so freely share. I love how you tell me how you want to marry me when you are a daddy. That wont happen, of course, but your heart behind it undoes me.

My son, you have endured so much. And it has made you into such a remarkable boy. I cannot wait to see all the Lord has in store for you, and even more, the rewards already stored up for you in heaven. I pray for your every day, my son. For complete healing, for the salvation of your soul, for strength for your days, and a heart that fears the Lord.

You my boy are such a gift to me. My life has been transformed by you, by this journey of mothering and nursing you. It has been filled with many many hours of tiring care, and yet they have been the most valuable days of my life and I would not be anywhere else.

Jack, in many ways you are my hero. I will always be proud of you and will treasure these sweet years of life with you always.
Your adoring momma.

i never want to forget

This week, we went in the clinic for our monthly visit, to get IV chemotherapy and a spinal tap. My buddy had to fast since he was going under general anesthesia for this procedure and was, as a result, not happy about getting his port accessed and not being allowed to eat. The day went by quickly though, and Jack was the second patient to go back to the procedure room. There is no other experience in life, like holding your child as they are given sedation. The feeling of their weight suddenly increasing as it sets in and they totally relax, awkwardly trying to cradle their now floppy head as you lay them on the operating table. I think now, over two years into this, I have finally figured out the best way to cradle him against me so that I can be whispering how much I love him in his ear as he drifts to sleep, while supporting the fullness of his body and little head.

I am always amazed at how quickly these spinal taps are wrapped up. It seems only 10 minutes between the time I lay him down on the bed to the moments I see his bed being wheeled back into our room. Thankfully, we were all finished up and on our way out the door by noon. I love that my face is the first one he sees when his eyes finally open. It fills me with happiness to hear him sweetly say, "Hi momma," moments after his eyes flutter open. Usually, the next words are, "can I have my snack now?" Once he was sitting up and allowed to eat, he cheered right up, sweet boy. Food really is the way to this little man's heart. And now, steroid week will demonstrate that to me again, in a thorough and mighty way~ gotta remember to tell that to his future wife one day.

As he was wheeled back into our room, asleep still from the anesthesia, covered in tubes and wires to monitor him as he slept, I couldn't help but take a few photos. You see, I never want to forget what this moment feels like. I never want to forget the utter weakness I feel, the helplessness that rings true to my inability to do anything to shield my boy from these things he must endure. I simply cannot stand in front of him and take them away. I do not want to forget the way my heart hurts to see him lay there, completely sedated having had spinal fluid removed again, needles poked into his spine and chest, having him miss simple childhood things. It hurts my heart to see him protectively cover the spots on his body where he now has band-aids and "stickers" that read his heart rate and breathing, as they have hurt him so many times when removed. I wish I could take these thing upon myself or just lessen his aches and pains. With all my heart I would love to take these things away.

But, it is so important to me, that I do not forget that in that moment, while looking down upon my sleeping baby, that the GOD-OF-ALL-CREATION is near, truly and sincerely. He is near to my broken heart, he is upholding my boys needle prodded body, and he is giving us peace that truly passes understanding. I never want to forget that I know without doubt that HE has upheld Jack and will continue to do so. That He is upholding me. In that moment, I felt the sweet peace and joy of the Lord, in a circumstance that would not normally bring peace and joy. I do not want to forget that. Never.

I do not want to forget, the kindness of the Lord's providence, that our nurse that visit was a strong Christian, whom I was able to fellowship over his bedside while he slept. I do not want to forget how much amazing strength and stamina my little boy has been given by the Lord. I do not want to forget that I have experienced how when I am weak, the Lord is strong. I do not want to forget what it looks like to gaze upon your child covered in medical paraphernalia, and know in my heart that the Lord is near, that we are loved by Him, and that He is mighty to save.

I do not want to forget that even thought my heart hurts for a little while, He will one day wipe away every tear. He gives us a new song, and fills us with joy. I do not want to forget his constant mercy and grace to us.

“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagles....He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear Him. For He knows our frame and He remembers that we are dust.” ~Psalm 103:1-5, 10-14

I just never want to forget these things.

.the value of truthfullness.

Wednesday night, while I was cooking dinner for our little family and a friend, my boys were quietly coloring at the dining room table. It was so peaceful and quiet. That should have been clue number one that something was amis. We were laughing and chatting in the kitchen, the meal just about complete. All of a sudden, Dylan ran into the room. But not your typical, racing speeds shouting something unintelligible.

He ran straight to me, and wrapped himself around my legs. He hid his head between my knees. And he wasn't letting go. He said something along the lines of '"oh no", at least I think that is what he said.... He began to pull me towards the doorway that leads to our living room, all the while his grip on my leg remained firm. He was hesitant to take me to his destination, but also seemed like he knew he had to tell me something. He has never done this before.

And so, I walked around the bend to find my cream colored couch covered with orange marker. To his credit, he had a piece of paper with a lovely drawing in said orange marker, smack dab in the middle of the rest of his masterpiece. I have to admit, I loudly said, "oh no!!!" And then the boy got a stern talking to.


But then I laughed.

And then I was grateful.

This may sound crazy, or completely like I have lost my mind. Maybe. I wouldn't be too surprised! But in that moment, I had a realization, one that I think has been brewing in my heart and mind for a week or two. My son was being honest. He was being truthful. He did not try to hide his wrongdoings. Instead, he came to me and brought me to the scene of his crime. Maybe he was proud of his artwork. But I don't think that was it. I think he was experiencing conviction. I think he knew he had done something wrong, and chose not to try to hide it. If you have a two year old, or know my Dylan, then you must know that this is not typical.

As much as the added work of cleaning this new mess up is not my favorite way to spend my time, I would much rather have this moment, so clear and real to see God's grace at work in my little rebel, than a perfectly clean couch.

You see, for many many months now, I have been at a complete loss as to how to be a faithful parent to this boy. He is so very unlike my first two sons. He is always on the go, into everything, extremely brave and adventurous, curious about everything, and a mess maker extraordinaire. He has a temper, and I have been the victim of many a slapping, hitting, hair pulling fits of rage. He can huff around like a 4 or 5 year old, and does not like to obey his momma. To say he has a strong will would be a pretty accurate description.

I have found myself humiliated when in public he has thrown a fit at me, and I have tried to restrain his blows. I have prayed in earnest for wisdom in this matter. My other two sons were nothing like this. It has left me feeling totally helpless at times.

I have wondered, what I have done wrong in raising him. I have wondered if all the time we have had to spend with Jack at the hosptial has had a negative effect on Dylan. I knew I could be better and more diligent in training him, and yet always felt perplexed how this little rebel came from me! Yet, there are so many moments when I see myself in him so clearly. It is so clear where he gets some of his feisty side from, that he comes from a passionate momma is a factor as well.

And so, for the past month or so, I have been dedicating myself to training him to obey and to control his temper. Holding him close to me when he wants to run and hit, lots of pretentding what not to do and the right way to respond, time outs and discapline. I have been seeking to respond to him right away, instead of allowing other things around the house to take up my time. Dylan has been project number one, well, maybe not #1, but certainly a priority. And to the joy of my heart, by the grace and mercy of God, we have begun to see a little change in him. He is still a sinner who needs a savior, but that is the amazing thing. I no longer view him as problem I do not know how to handle. I now see him as a sinner, who I can amaze with the love of Christ as I parent him day after day.

The Lord was stirring something in my heart, but it wasn't until I read this blog post from Lysa TerKerurst that it all came together. I am so grateful my friend Esther posted it on FB and I clicked and read. Here is an expert from her post:

"I think I changed my prayers for her because God started to change my heart. I started sensing He had a different plan in mind for my mothering of Hope.

Maybe God’s goal wasn’t for me to raise a good rule following child. God’s goal was for me to raise a God-following adult. An adult just determined and independent and insistent enough to fulfill a purpose He had in mind all along."

and then the comment from a woman who said the following:

"When my son was a toddler I complained to my pediatrician that he was such a handful. “He is strong willed, stubborn, tells me no when I ask him to do things, and is into everything” I said. “What can I do?”
My doctor’s reply was simple and has stuck with me throughout my son’s life. “All these characteristics that you are complaining about now are what are going to make him successful in the future. Do you want a teenager who says yes to all the peer pressure? Do you not want a curious child who will explore and question the world around him? Do you not want a child that is stubborn and willful in his values and beliefs?”
I was taken back and realized he was right. Now my son is a senior is high school. He has never had a B on a report card because he is too stubborn to accept less than his best. He tells his friends no to drinking and smoking. His curiosity has led him to dig into the complex world of biology and is hoping to become a pediatric oncologist.

Embrace the personality your child was given, it is a gift from God."

I know TerJeurst says it better than I ever could. I am amazed at how the Lord has helped refine my perspective of my little rebel. I am so grateful that I see him more as a little boy with so much personality, all perfectly put together by a loving Father. That all the things that make him so strong willed and exploratory, and wild, and creative, intelligent, and adventurous; well those are all the exact qualities the Lord put into him for His purposes. Instead of trying to change Dylan into a well behaved boy, I am able to value the things that make him so unique and try to help him learn how to exercise self control and wisdom.

Sorry for the long post. I just don't want to forget what the Lord is teaching me through my sweet crazy boy and the grace He gave me in the midst of the chaos. I am grateful that by the grace of God, I can look at my messy marker covered house, and value growing truthfullness over cleanliness. I hope my sons grow up consistently encountering a momma that is gentle when they confess, slow to anger, and that the Lord would help me to shower them with love and mercy, as He has shown me the same. Today I am grateful.

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Read this today in Charles Spurgeon's Chequebook from the bank of Faith, and how fitting it was...

The Dross Purged

"And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The LORD is my God.’” (Zechariah 13:9)

"The fire only refines; it does not destroy. We are to be brought through the fire, not left in it. The Lord values His people as silver, and therefore He is at pains to purge away their dross. If we are wise, we shall rather welcome the refining process than decline it. Our prayer will be that our alloy may be taken from us rather than that we should be withdrawn from the crucible.

O Lord, Thou triest us indeed! We are ready to melt under the fierceness of the flame. Still, this is Thy way, and Thy way is the best. Sustain us under the trial and complete the process of our purifying, and we will be Thine forever and ever."

Today marks two years. Two whole, full, difficult, yet amazing years. Our lives are forever changed. Our faith deepened as we have drunk from the depths of grace we never thought we would know or need. Upheld day after day, we stand, not on our own strength or ability or will, but completely and perfectly by the loving Father.

I am so happy that we are over half way through this process. Only 428 days left! Jack has been such an amazing boy in so many ways. There is so much I could say about him, how he has persevered, how he has grown. It just amazes me. Just one year ago, getting his port accessed was not only traumatic but incredibly difficult. Just two days ago, Jack (like the last two visits prior) announced to me that he was going to be brave. So true to his word, my little soldier took a deep breath, held it with his cheeks all puffed out and calmly clinging his doggy blanket, while the nurse counted down and put the needle in his body. Not one tear was shed. I did not have to restrain him. He is amazing. This is such answer to prayer.

It also shows how much he has grown up. It is hard to believe he was only just 2 when he was diagnosed. And 2 years makes quite a difference. He was barely talking then, now he is a chatter box. He talks about his hospital and his Dr.'s, and seems to really understand some of what is happening to him and around him. And it is met with courage, no longer fear and tears. My heart is filled with gratefulness to see this working of the Lord in his heart and mind. Truly peace that passes understanding.

Since my last update, we have been trying to figure out the correct dosage of chemo for him to be taking in order to keep his blood counts within the desired window. That has been tricky, but finally, after a year, the Dr. got the right combo. He is on 125% dosage from the standard plan. But this is what it takes, and he seems to be handling it very well.

Steroid week is always a trying week. but we survive and are desperate for grace. It is hard to explain to him, the way the medicine he takes changes him. It is hard to explain to Tyler how to show compassion and have mercy on his brother when he is steroid-crazy. It is hard to be cooking food all day, putting out emotional fires and calming raging anger. Yet we do manage, by the grace of God, one month after another.

And so, two years have passed, since we drove in a snow storm, continuing on the path the Lord laid out for us, the one we would never have chosen for ourselves. Two years since we sat in an ER, comforting our sick boy and each other. Technically, February 10 is the actual date of true diagnosis, at 4 am. But the journey began on this day, and today I want to recall God's faithfulness. He has been faithful in so many ways. We marvel at his kindness, and desperately cling to the promises of future grace.

On another happy note, the Make-A-Wish Foundation is sending our family to Disney World in 37 days!!! SO excited for this sweet blessing.

And with a steroid-crazed boy, crying at my side, I will end this post and get to cooking snack number 3 of the day. Isn't it sweet to be home, able to serve my son in the most basic ways. Only 15 more months of steroids. Praising God for that one. And praising him for grace upon grace, as the days pass by, one at a time.

.merry christmas.

.from our family to yours. may the joy of the savior's birth fill your homes.


answered prayer and trust

Jack's appointment went well yesterday. We had a great nurse take care of us, which was a relief. There were tears, but they were short lived and quickly forgotten with movies and lollipops. This is an answer to your many prayers. I hope you are encouraged, dear friend and reader. God hears and answers prayers.

A couple things were hard to navigate through, but I am prayerfully faith filled for the coming month. Because his counts are still high, and they wanted to increase his dosage to 125%. This is the same dosage that wiped him out last March and put him in the hospital. This was what I was afraid of, and so I was quite apprehensive about agreeing to this. I felt the strength and courage to push back and question this while trying to respectful to the Nurse Practitioner. We came to an agreement to increase his dosage with a count check in two weeks to make sure this dose is not too high, instead of waiting the whole month to check his counts again.

The second issue, was that since we came in a week early this month, they wanted us to come in 5 weeks from now, putting us at December 20. If you do the math, that puts Jack smack dab in the hardest point of steroid week on Christmas day. Nice right? Not ideal to say the least. I asked if we could move this around at all, and our Nurse Practitioner was very hesitant to say yes. He did not think we should move things around too much, and so my heart was beginning to fill with dread as I contemplated this being a major difficulty on such a special time. I asked him to speak with our Sr. Oncologist for a second opinion, as I just felt there had to be something they could do.

Turns out, the Sr. Oncologist was a little less concerned with a week change to his scheudule. So his next appointment is December 13! Praising God for that one. We go in for labs in two weeks.

All in all, the visit was smooth. Jack did get his flu shot, which he did NOT like. Because he cannot get a live virus, he cannot get the inhalant flu inoculation, but has to get a shot (as do all of us). He really hates those needles, but who doesn't. He was a trooper all day. We were gone from 9:30-4, and he just was a snugly sweetie the whole time.

Unfortunately, the steroids are already making him quick to be angry, emotional, hungry and more aggressive just on day 2 of the 7 days that he experiences effects. So the next week is going to be a lot more of that. I feel my need so desperately during these weeks. When he is sobbing and laying on me one minute begging to be carried everywhere (all 40 lbs of him), and then hitting me and yelling at me the next, it is hard for me to not get angry at him or impatient with the constant tears. I have to fight for compassion at some points, which is so sad to admit. But that is the reality. Steroids stink. I am a sinner and respond sinfully. But I know that it is something we have to endure.

Sometimes I want to stop giving him the steroids, or cut a day out of the dosage. Sometimes I wish we could just stop all this right now. Obviously, I know that we must see this to the end, but if I honestly consider where I am in regards to this whole ordeal, I really just want it to be over.

But I know that, not only do we all have to endure it, but we can anticipate grace to have joy and peace in the midst of it. I have to remind myself, that the Lord has a purpose to the process. That each month on steroids, each visit to the hospital, each tear shed and chicken nugget cooked, well they are not without purpose. Even in the mundane, and in the heat of the trial. If the Bible tells me that all things are from the Lord's hand, then I want to embrace even the most difficult with faith. I am grateful I can look back and recall time after time the Lord's help was very real in those wearying moments. And it is in those wearying moments I have to fight the hardest to believe the truths I know in my head. They have to become heart knowledge.

Anyhow, those are the ramblings of a tired momma who only got a couple hours of sleep last night! Thank you for the prayers. We felt them acutely at the hospital. If you see my posts on Facebook, you have seen these iPhone snapshots from yesterday and today already, but I thought I would post them here as well. The last two are of him groaning and waiting for pizza to be finished cooking.

So grateful for your care.

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treatment day

Tomorrow is Jack's treatment day. We are going in a week earlier than the normal schedule, because otherwise he would be all juiced up on steroids on his birthday and Thanksgiving next week, a not so happy scenario for anyone. So because there is some flexibility in his schedule, we are going in tomorrow.


Our appointment is at 10:30, and likely we will get out of the clinic by 1 or so. It seems that we really do not get out of there in anything under 3 hours. Seems the norm for out-patient visits, the average being 4 hours.

Gladly, this is just for a blood draw to get labs and receive his IV Chemo, which means we can bring all the snacks a little boy could ask for! His counts have been on the high side for the past couple visits, so I think he may end up getting an increase in the dosage. The last time the Dr.'s increased his meds (last March), the dosage was too high and he really suffered from it (hospitalized for 10 days in April). I feel this time, that I can say no to the Dr.'s if I feel the dosage is too much. I am praying the Lord give me much discernment and wisdom tomorrow as we discuss these things.

As always, Jack hates to get his port accessed, and it is always a tear filled fight. Another prayer request, is that we get a good nurse to do the procedure. We have had some really great nurses, who have managed to place the needle in his port in seconds, and we have also had some shaky handed nurses that just do not do a good job. So always, praying for the right nurse for us tomorrow.

And lastly, Jack has come to dread these trips. As do I. But there is grace, always grace. I look forward to experiencing more grace, with fresh mercies from the loving hand of the Lord.

just life

I can hardly give a more succinct reason for why this blog is so frequently neglected than we are busy living life. There has been a lot going on, between school activities, church activities and meetings, and just life! My little boys are growing so fast, their birthdays are around the corner, as are the holidays and with that a whole lot more to do and less time to blog!

I feel like I have been in a season of adjustment and learning, always learning, how to balance it all. I try not to be too set in my ways, that when a new element comes, I am not totally thrown off balance. But that happens too. Seems like a different lifetime, 8 years ago, when Jordan asked me to be his wife. So much has happened in that 8 years.

It seems like we have a rhythm that follows this pattern: Jack's treatment day, followed by a week of steroids, recovering from steroid week, two really fun busy and happy weeks... repeat. In the mix of that somewhat simple breakdown is a busy schedule that we are constantly trying to evaluate if we are doing too much or can do more. It is a tough thing to consider at times, but we are learning how to put our family first in the midst of it all, while still being as involved as we feel the grace and faith to do.

Tyler is learning so much at school. He was not reading before the school year, and has been making a lot of progress in that. He has new songs to sing to us almost every day, and it is amazing to me that he knows (via song) the oceans and the planets and the continents, and so much more. I have been so happy to see him mature and develop these past three months of school. I also have really enjoyed getting to know other families in his class that live in Arlington. We really love our school. Yay ATS!

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Dylan, oh my Dylan. He is ever the trouble maker as he ever was. But he has been growing so tall and is talking up a storm. I think he has grown 5 or 6 inches in the past year! What he doesn't have in body mass, he has in height. He is still so skinny, but already tall enough for his 2T pants. Although we do not understand everything he says, he is a nonstop talker, and he cracks us up. I really think he is going to be our most athletic son. He just moves so quickly and with no fear. Meanwhile, I am freaking out a little watching him at his antics. I can hardly believe he will be two years old in just 8 days! Where has the time gone?? Do you ever just watch your children and wonder what things the Lord has in store for them?

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Jack is doing really well. His 4th birthday is also just 8 days away! He has grown so much!
He hasn't had a fever in almost two months, and has not had to be admitted to the hospital since April. We are so grateful for this. As he gets older, it seems like he is understanding more of why he has to endure what he goes through, although we cannot be certain he fully grasps the concept of cancer. Each time he is on steroids, it seems to affect him harder. He has been more emotional and hungry, and just an overall train-wreck, these past few months. We try not to do too much while he is on steroids, but it always seems to be a challenging time, no matter how busy or home bound we are. I wish I could explain the madness that takes over him during this time, but I think, that unless you see him before and during, it is hard to fathom such a dramatic change.

Amazingly, we get through those times. Nothing but grace. I am so grateful to have Tyler at school during all this, as being pulled in one more direction can put me over the edge. Simplifying the time to just two kids, has made a dramatic improvement in my ability to meet all the needs with as few tears as possible.

So all in all, Jack is well. He continues to grow, and mature. He is a tender hearted, gentle little boy, who has endured so much. People often ask if he is ever in pain... and I wonder myself, how the chemo that he takes daily effect him. I just come to the conclusion, that because he was diagnosed so young, before he was really talking much, that he has just gotten used to whatever discomfort he may have, as a new normal. He is so tough, and he rarely complains.

We have a dear friend who is occasionally on steroids, and she has provided much insight into our little boy and how he suffers during these times, as she is able to put into words his tears. I am so grateful for her perspective, as it has deepened my compassion and affections to my boy when he is at his worst.

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So we are well. Busy living life. God is good and our life is rich and full of happy distractions and happy causes to throw our efforts into. So through it all, the ups and the downs, the lows, and the really lows, the super fun and crazy boy times, to the sweet snuggles. God has been in it all. We have felt His sustaining grace again and again. We have and continue to lean on and learn more of who He is and why He is completely worthy of trust and praise. Even if my worst fears come true, He is mighty to save. We are so blessed.

.jack update.

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Jack went into the clinic today, for his monthly chemo and a spinal tap, only to have the spinal tap postponed for another month because his counts were too low. We have been fighting a bad cold here for the past week, with fevers and stuffy heads and lots of runny noses. Jack had been dealing with a low grace fever off and on for a couple days, and a pretty severe cough resulting in a lot of nebulizer treatments. He seems to be feeling better, but this cold/fever thing has his counts really low. His ANC was only 800.

In the past, when Jack is sick with a cold of some sort, his ANC goes way high. So I was actually surprised that it had dropped so low. So after a shorter visit to the clinic to get his IV Chemo and counts checked, they listened to his breathing and the anaesthesiologist was not comfortable putting him under with the wheezing she heard, along with the low counts.

So we go back in two weeks for a count check/blood draw and in one month for the spinal tap.

As we approach cold/flu season and now that we have a child in school everyday, I am a little more concerned about sickness creeping its way into our home. I am praying for the Lord's protection over our family and Jack.

He starts his monthly week of steroids today. These are tough times for Jack, and so we are gearing up for a week of a messy house and a kitchen always running and tears flowing. Poor buddy doesn't know what to do with all the emotions he feels. But thankfully there is an end in sight, 5 days and counting.

Another update coming soon, i hope.