Welcome

Thank you so much for taking the time to visit our family blog. This may be your first visit here, or you may be a friend from across the globe, or family that we have just seen. Who ever you may be, thanks for taking the time to read about our little family, and all we are learning on this adventure the Lord has called us to live! Here you will find, the random thoughts, funny stories, prayer requests, and the journey our family and Jack is on with his battle with Leukemia.

the boy who made me a momma

It is an amazing thing to look back on the past 7 years. Many things seem so long ago and forgotten in the dimness of my memory, many details lost and forgotten. And, yet so many other moments are so clearly etched into my heart and mind, that time will never erase them. On this day early in the morning hours, my water broke, 3 weeks before my actual due date. An unexpected surprise. On this day, my ideas and thoughts and dreams of becoming a mom became a reality. After 15 hours of labor and pushing for 2 1/2 more hours, I finally got to see and touch and kiss what hours before I could only imagine.This sweet chubby boy with a head full of black hair came into my arms and did things to my heart, I never knew were possible. In that moment, I became a momma, for real.

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All of a sudden, I went from kinda living in a sacrificial way for others, to being full on in the business of laying my life down for another, whether I was rested enough or not. Having such a lovable angel baby made many of the sacrifices easy ones to choose. But there were many a night with a screaming baby and a weary momma,  many a day full of an angry toddler wanting his way and a new mommy trying to navigate her way through the tantrums, and many more hours spent with a willful emotional angry young boy,  trying to ease him off the ledge of foolishness back into the open arms of wisdom.
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The boy who made me a momma, will always have this title. This boy changed me, both physically and emotionally. I bear the marks of motherhood all over my body, reminders of the life I carried and nurtured from the very fibers of my flesh. Reminders that my life is not my own. Reminders of true beauty not being a matter of perfected skin and taut muscles, being super skinny (not that anything is wrong with being skinny- just not setting a certain tiny size as the definition of beauty for ME) always needing to be perfectly put together, but instead it is the inward unchanging character and heart the is fully leaning on and trusting in God. These marks are beautiful, because they were hard won and remind me of the sweeter gift of my sons. And this boy has a daddy who praises and values and finds them beautiful. May this boy do the same of his one day wife.
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This boy continues to be one of the greatest tools the Lord has given me to mold me into his image. He brings me joy, but he also brings me to my knees in prayer. I pray I am as an effective tool in molding this little boy into a God fearing man. My sweet tender hearted son. And let's be honest here. Being a mom is not easy. Leading and loving these little people takes every ounce of strength, and then much much more than we can ever muster up on our own. Motherhood requires so much from a woman, that she find herself utterly discouraged and beaten down when she tries to do it all on the supply of strength she has within. Motherhood is the greatest tool to bring one back to the cross again and again and again, where there, we find the strength, courage and grace to do more, kiss more boo boos, train little angry people, and love them when they destroy every inch of the home worked so hard to maintain.
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For me, motherhood has been a marvelously difficult, sanctifying and joyful, exhausting thrilling adventure. The boy who made me a momma has been one of the greatest joys in my life. But if I am going to be real here, it is also true that he has brought me some of the greatest difficulties as well. I find myself often unsure of how to love him, finding myself completely out of patience, angry with him and just ready to give up. I am seeing more and more how much I need Jesus to be the mother this boy needs. I see how my angry responses teach him to respond angrily to his brothers, and to me. I see that in fact, I am not a good listener, and honestly that most of the time I do not want to listen to all he says.  Especially when I am trying to correct him. So unlike our Father in heaven. I do love him so, but it is not always fun and games. It is hard work. It required diligence and dying to self, and patiently waiting for the harvest of years of sowing.

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But what I am seeing, is that God uses all my messiness, all my weakness and all my failures. He is a redeeming God, and it is amazing to me that after I sin against my sweet boy in anger, God redeems our relationship by helping Ty to forgive me and me to humble myself. He is softening my heart and my little boy's heart as well. I am seeing that even when I mess everything up, God truly is the only one who saves. I am seeing how I HAVE to entrust my little boy into the fully capable hands of our loving Father. And I am seeing how much I have to be thankful for.

And as this sweet boy turns 7 today, I am learning that power that words have in his heart. Proverbs 18:21 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."  Oh how true this is. I want to speak life. I am seeing how my words have this power in his life, and I am developing a deeper conviction to speak love and truth and grace with gentleness and mercy, no matter how inconvenienced I am or tired, or frustrated I get. When I respond in quick sharp tones, I am seeing that it literally tears him down and instructs him to speak in a similar way. It screams of anger and disapproval. It is not the way the Lord speaks to me.

I saw this so clearly when I spent just a couple moments thanking him for how I saw him show excellent self control in an situation where there was much much chaos and craziness a few days ago. When I was encouraging him, my sweet boy started to cry. He looked at me, whipping little tears from his eyes and said, "My eyes are just crying and I don't know why..." He told me his heart was so full of happiness it hurt. Oh my soul, let me speak life into this tender hearted boy. Lord keep me from being the means of hardening his heart, by my anger and impatience. Help me to love him in the way that you want me to.

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Oh this sweet sweet compassionate, science loving, Harry Potter Lego crazed, Mincraft obsessed,  snugly, passionate, justice loving, perfectionist, smart, silly blue eyed boy.... how this momma loves you. Thank you for being all you are, for fiercely loving everything you do, for loving our family so much. Thank you for seeing your daddy as a man to emulate and because of his example for always saying you want to be a daddy when you grow up. I love your silly stories, your desire to be understood, the way you long to have everyone you love be near to you. I love how you still let me hold hands with you, give me sweet kissess, and think that I am funny and cool.

I am so grateful to God that He gave me you. That you are my boy that made me a momma.


Jack turns 5

As much as I have thought of this blog as being dead, I wanted to take the time to revive it, if only for this one post. I want to make sure I sit down, take the time to ponder and reflect on my sweet Jack, the celebration of his life, and be filled with gratefulness again for the gift he is to our family.

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My sweet strong survivor son is 5 years old. How can it be already? It is amazing how he can seem so little and be my snuggly affectionate baby, and yet he seems so mature and steady way beyond his 5 years of life. This sweet tender hearted boy amazes me time and time again. Jordan and I were just talking together about how he doesn't often react to things in a big way. For example, when we surprise him with things, he responds in a very measured way, calmly says, "I know...." For a dramatic momma, who wants to see a big happy response, this is very anti-climatic. Yet it is how he is.

He just takes things in stride. Well, except when he is being bothered by his brothers. That is another matter altogether. In the middle of the three boys, he has grown to be the most self-less giving boy. I have seen him differ to Tyler and Dylan time and time again, it is amazing. He puts others before himself more often than he strives to be first. He loves to do it too. It is not in a defeated way, but just, that is what he feels is right.

This boy also seems to have a heart after God. He thinks in terms of how big God is, and often just states how things work because of God and how good God is. We are in a weekly bible study that has an amazing children's program, and every week, he is singing the bible verse songs, and telling me about our great God who listens to our prayers. He loves it when we pray over him at bedtime. It is a sweet time with him.

I have often wondered what the future holds for him. I have prayed for his future wife, for his future endeavors. I have thought about how walking through fire at such a young age has had such an impact on his life, and have wondered what the far reaching effects of this will have and how God will use it.

It amazes me, that as we come to the final stretch of this road of cancer, when I consider how my child has been broken down physically and endured so much, how the Lord has sustained him. How in that brokenness has risen strength. My sweet Jack.

To my sweet boy,
Oh my darling son. Even as I sit here typing out these words, I pray you will one day read, tears are filling my eyes. We have spent many many hours together, just you and I. In the car, at the hospital, in our home, just living life. Most of those memories, I see in my memory your little hand in mine.

One day that hand will not be little, but I will forever treasure how tightly you held on to my hand. I will always remember the gentle way you held to me when you were hurting, the tight hugs when you were afraid, the sweet kisses you so freely share. I love how you tell me how you want to marry me when you are a daddy. That wont happen, of course, but your heart behind it undoes me.

My son, you have endured so much. And it has made you into such a remarkable boy. I cannot wait to see all the Lord has in store for you, and even more, the rewards already stored up for you in heaven. I pray for your every day, my son. For complete healing, for the salvation of your soul, for strength for your days, and a heart that fears the Lord.

You my boy are such a gift to me. My life has been transformed by you, by this journey of mothering and nursing you. It has been filled with many many hours of tiring care, and yet they have been the most valuable days of my life and I would not be anywhere else.

Jack, in many ways you are my hero. I will always be proud of you and will treasure these sweet years of life with you always.
Your adoring momma.