Where do you go when you feel entirely overwhelmed by the day? What do you do when the waves of emotion begin to overtake you and next steps feel just out of grasp? When there is just too much going on both in and around you?
Wednesday was one of those days for me. I had worked a long 8 hour day, filled with zoom meetings, phone calls, emails and management burdens that are often difficult to lay down at the end of the work day. The dinner hour was fast approaching.
I definitely hadn't come up with a plan for dinner that night, and was rummaging through the fridge and then desperately rummaging through the freezer with the hopes that I had planned ahead at some previous point in my week. Alas, no dice. Breakfast for dinner it is.
Phone calls coming in from work, kids getting off the afternoon bus overflowing with a myriad of emotions all charged with the relief of having held it together all day. All to be greeted by an excited golden retriever who pees on the floor anytime someone he loves comes home. In that moment, the first wave of overwhelm began. The flurry of snacks, homework, stories from their day, and a nagging need to wrap up the workday collide.
In comes the phone call from a teenage driver. The weight of his anxiety and worry felt clearly through the line- his first car accident. A fender bender in the school parking lot. As a mother, there is an instinct to absorb the emotional weight of your children. We carry not only our plentiful burdens but shoulder theirs as well. Trying to discern on the spot the appropriate amount of grace and comfort mixed with the seriousness of the situation. Its like walking a tightrope.
The next wave of overwhelm begins to rise up, this time the edges of it rising a little higher, washing up when he comes in the front door 30 minutes later, immediately walking from the door into my arms, letting his burdens fall off his shoulders onto mine. A burden I gladly carried. Somehow in the middle of it all, the conversation of responsibility and consequences and grace flows in between the directions given on math homework I don't even comprehend. Why can’t we just borrow from the 10’s place anymore?
Dinner prep begins, eggs cooking on the stove, and a sudden realization that baseball practice is in 25 minutes, smack dab in the middle of the dinner time rush. All this while I am flying solo as a parent.
A fight breaks out, and the referee hat, discipleship hat, counseling hat, discipline hat- they all jumble together during the 1-to-1 conversions that have to happen with the three raging children.
What do we do in these moments when the constant demand for responsiveness and leadership are pushed into overdrive? How do we calm and quiet the waves that are rising and promising to overtake us?
In my own heart, in the midst of this wonderful chaos that having 5 children provides, I feel the desire to hide in the bathroom for a minute. Just to compose myself. But there isn’t time for that. So then, what do I do? Well, typically I just push through, leaving a few casualties in my wake from the anger that has risen up in me.
There is a pause button hit, the moment my teenager says to me, “Are you ok? You seem not ok.” I guess I wasn't ok.
Looking back, I wonder if the feelings of being overwhelmed began much earlier in my day. I think way back at some point in my day, I shifted away from relying on grace, resting in peace, and the humbling knowledge that I couldn't be everything to everyone. I had shifted somehow into believing I should be everything to everyone and that I was completely capable of doing so. It was such a subtle shift. Almost unperceivable.
The thought- “this is too much” certainly crossed my mind in the midst of it all. But was it? Was it actually too much, or had I stopped long enough to ask for help from the Lord? I don’t recall having done that. And maybe I had the thought to pray, but I didn’t.
As I type these words, the song More than Enough by Chris Tomlin comes to mind.
All of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
More than all I want, more than all I need
I definitely was not living in the good of that at the moment. What I wanted was order, peace, control. I did not want to stop flexing and allow the Lord to speak to me in those moments. Pushing through seemed the only and best option.
Even though I had shifted away from a conscious and active reliance on God, hadn’t asked for help, or even had my thoughts shift from myself and how I felt to anything else; the faithfulness of God remained in place. Steadfast. Always providing. Wisdom to care for an anxious teenager after their first accident. Grace to lovingly correct and restore kids in the middle of a battle. He gave me the grace and wisdom I needed in those moments. He provided what I needed.
Now, I am not saying that feeling overwhelmed is sin, absolutely not. It is completely normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes, and a very human expereince! It is what we do when we feel overwhelmed that is the matter at hand. Do we turn to self, to our own strength, wisdom, control? Or do we turn to God, open handed and expectant?
Romans 3:3 has long been a verse that restores me when all I see is my failure to rely on God.
“What if some were unfaithful? Does their faithlessness nullify the faithfulness of God? By no means!”
Paul is reminding us that although the Jewish people who had been entrusted with God's law and his word, they had not kept it. They had repeatedly sinned against God, rejecting his law and his ways. But their lack of faithfulness did not mitigate the faithfulness of God. He is faithful despite us being an unfaithful people time and time again.
Reading through the book of Exodus recently, has reminded me over and over how alike the Israelites I am, who repeatedly doubted God. God demonstrated His power and might to them, His ability to rescue and deliver them, and his good plan for them over and over again. Yet we see a pattern of doubt and disobedience. They got overwhelmed by the Egyptians pursuing them. They were overwhelmed by fear that they would starve or die of thirst in the wilderness.
But God, ever faithful, again and again, provided for all their needs. How quickly I become caught up in a mindset that the circumstances of my life are too much for me and that there is no deliverer near me. I need to be reminded of the faithful God, that remains faithful to me, despite my typical response of self sufficiency in the midst of chaos.
Deep breath, long view. This momentary chaos, well, it's just that. Momentary. It will pass. The kids will be in bed before too long. I will lay my head on my pillow and the day will come to a close. The faithfulness of God will continue to keep my lungs breathing and my heart beating while I sleep. He will continue to uphold the world and the chaos I once felt landing on my shoulders, are perfectly kept by His hands.
My hope is that when I feel overwhelmed, my heart will know to turn out and up, towards my Father instead of down and inward, to my weary and scattered mind. I hope to be able to pause, and pray. To pray with my kids. I want them to see me recognize that in the midst of being overwhelmed, we have a God who is faithful and longs to hear our prayers. Instead of seeing a mom pushing through on her own might, I want them to see a mom who relies on God in every moment of her day.
Deep breath. Long view- both back towards the past faithfulness of God and forward to the promised grace that awaits each new day.
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