.3 years old.

get yourself ready, because this is a long post. complete with loads of pictures too!

a little over one month ago, my sweet Jack turned 3. I think I have said this many times over the past year, but one year ago, seems like a very long time ago. Three years ago, well that seems like another lifetime. I know that we are a completely different family than we were when we were waiting for this precious gift to arrive.

My easiest pregnancy and delivery, and my most chill baby too. So much like his daddy, in his disposition, to the shape of his eyes, the way he takes things in stride. This time one year ago, he was hardly talking, why talk when Tyler would do such a good job of it for you?! But now, the funny things he says! He was born the day after Thanksgiving, and what thanksgiving we give to the Lord for the precious gift of his sweet life.

How can a mother find words to clearly express the impact her child has had on her, even a child of only 3 years. From the beginning, when he was born, the transition from one child to two, proved to be tiring, hard work, and hard on some days. I knew being a mother was not an easy job, yet there where days when I just could not muster the strength. There were so many moments when I wanted a clean house, more than I wanted to snuggle and savor. Now, three years later, I call myself a fool for moving too quickly past these moments. How kind of the Lord to use a wee babe to show me just how weak a vessel I truly am, and how utterly dependant I must be on him. This lesson continues on.

My sweet Jack, has taught me to slow down, to take my time, to give my affection more freely- when it is not just convenient- but all of the time, to never be too busy to snuggle or talk, he has taught me to be patient and he has taught me what long-suffering looks like. He has suffered, and we have watched him suffer, trying our best to ease his discomfort, pain, and overall frustration with circumstances. And yet, through it all, he always always comes to the end with more joy than I thought humanly possible. I do not think Jack knows how to feel sorry for himself. A lesson I am learning from him, and I am sure will continue to learn from him.

"The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life--the life God is sending one day by day: what one calls one's 'real life' is a phantom of one's own imagination. This at least is what I see at moments of insight: but it's hard to remember it all the time."-- C.C Lewis

This boy loves life, he is full of so much effervescent joy and energy. For a little 3 year old, that only sleeps between 6-8 hours a night, he is amazing. He has been through one of the hardest trials the human body can face, yet his life is not ruled by it. He is still Jack. Not a sick little boy, even when he was in fact sick and was not feeling good. He is just a little boy.

Oh the list of things that I love about this boy is a long one. Even as sit here thinking of them, my eyes are filling with tears. I remember thinking, when I was pregnant with him, how could I possibly love a baby as much as I loved Tyler. The idea of loving another child as much as the first was beyond my comprehension. My heart doubled in size the first moment I held you. What a silly thought to have, I think now.... yet as a first time mom about to have her second, it was a very real one. Now, three little boys later, I am amazed how the Lord fills us with new and unique love for each little life we have the joy to care for.

How could I have known, of all that your life would bring to my own? I could not have planned these circumstances for us, likely I would never have even dreamed or chosen to have a son battle with cancer. Yet here we are. As much as I hate to see you suffer, have not liked the tears shed, the hours of sleep lost, the pain suffered... God has been made bigger in all of our lives because of it. He is all we can cling to, and what a steadfast rock he is. Your life has helped me to see these things so much more clearly, and, to my sweet three year old baby, your mommy thanks you.

My sweet Jack, oh I love you my baby boy.

i love the way you rub your tag on your blankie when you are falling asleep

i love the way you smell, your breath, your head, your neck... you just smell so good to me

i love the way you play with my hair when I am holding you

i love that you want me to rock you and sing to you every night (although my arms don't always love it)

i love that you want to be like Tyler in every way, trying to do what he does and imitating him in your own little way

i love the way you skip and hop, so delicate on your feet

the love how hard you give hugs, like you want to tell me just how much you love me in that hug

i love the way you are so simple, content to play with Mater and McQueen all by yourself

I love the way you like to surprise me

i love that you always want to hold my hand

i love our special times at the hospital or clinic, just you and me

i love your joy for life, your bottomless energy

i love how much you adore your daddy.

i love that you love our family

i love the way you say thank you to the nurses and doctors every time you see them

i love the way you are so brave and tough. it has served you well my son

i love being your mommy, the greatest honor in my life.

a few pictures from the past 3 years