Welcome

Thank you so much for taking the time to visit our family blog. This may be your first visit here, or you may be a friend from across the globe, or family that we have just seen. Who ever you may be, thanks for taking the time to read about our little family, and all we are learning on this adventure the Lord has called us to live! Here you will find, the random thoughts, funny stories, prayer requests, and the journey our family and Jack is on with his battle with Leukemia.

the boy who made me a momma

It is an amazing thing to look back on the past 7 years. Many things seem so long ago and forgotten in the dimness of my memory, many details lost and forgotten. And, yet so many other moments are so clearly etched into my heart and mind, that time will never erase them. On this day early in the morning hours, my water broke, 3 weeks before my actual due date. An unexpected surprise. On this day, my ideas and thoughts and dreams of becoming a mom became a reality. After 15 hours of labor and pushing for 2 1/2 more hours, I finally got to see and touch and kiss what hours before I could only imagine.This sweet chubby boy with a head full of black hair came into my arms and did things to my heart, I never knew were possible. In that moment, I became a momma, for real.

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All of a sudden, I went from kinda living in a sacrificial way for others, to being full on in the business of laying my life down for another, whether I was rested enough or not. Having such a lovable angel baby made many of the sacrifices easy ones to choose. But there were many a night with a screaming baby and a weary momma,  many a day full of an angry toddler wanting his way and a new mommy trying to navigate her way through the tantrums, and many more hours spent with a willful emotional angry young boy,  trying to ease him off the ledge of foolishness back into the open arms of wisdom.
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The boy who made me a momma, will always have this title. This boy changed me, both physically and emotionally. I bear the marks of motherhood all over my body, reminders of the life I carried and nurtured from the very fibers of my flesh. Reminders that my life is not my own. Reminders of true beauty not being a matter of perfected skin and taut muscles, being super skinny (not that anything is wrong with being skinny- just not setting a certain tiny size as the definition of beauty for ME) always needing to be perfectly put together, but instead it is the inward unchanging character and heart the is fully leaning on and trusting in God. These marks are beautiful, because they were hard won and remind me of the sweeter gift of my sons. And this boy has a daddy who praises and values and finds them beautiful. May this boy do the same of his one day wife.
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This boy continues to be one of the greatest tools the Lord has given me to mold me into his image. He brings me joy, but he also brings me to my knees in prayer. I pray I am as an effective tool in molding this little boy into a God fearing man. My sweet tender hearted son. And let's be honest here. Being a mom is not easy. Leading and loving these little people takes every ounce of strength, and then much much more than we can ever muster up on our own. Motherhood requires so much from a woman, that she find herself utterly discouraged and beaten down when she tries to do it all on the supply of strength she has within. Motherhood is the greatest tool to bring one back to the cross again and again and again, where there, we find the strength, courage and grace to do more, kiss more boo boos, train little angry people, and love them when they destroy every inch of the home worked so hard to maintain.
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For me, motherhood has been a marvelously difficult, sanctifying and joyful, exhausting thrilling adventure. The boy who made me a momma has been one of the greatest joys in my life. But if I am going to be real here, it is also true that he has brought me some of the greatest difficulties as well. I find myself often unsure of how to love him, finding myself completely out of patience, angry with him and just ready to give up. I am seeing more and more how much I need Jesus to be the mother this boy needs. I see how my angry responses teach him to respond angrily to his brothers, and to me. I see that in fact, I am not a good listener, and honestly that most of the time I do not want to listen to all he says.  Especially when I am trying to correct him. So unlike our Father in heaven. I do love him so, but it is not always fun and games. It is hard work. It required diligence and dying to self, and patiently waiting for the harvest of years of sowing.

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But what I am seeing, is that God uses all my messiness, all my weakness and all my failures. He is a redeeming God, and it is amazing to me that after I sin against my sweet boy in anger, God redeems our relationship by helping Ty to forgive me and me to humble myself. He is softening my heart and my little boy's heart as well. I am seeing that even when I mess everything up, God truly is the only one who saves. I am seeing how I HAVE to entrust my little boy into the fully capable hands of our loving Father. And I am seeing how much I have to be thankful for.

And as this sweet boy turns 7 today, I am learning that power that words have in his heart. Proverbs 18:21 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."  Oh how true this is. I want to speak life. I am seeing how my words have this power in his life, and I am developing a deeper conviction to speak love and truth and grace with gentleness and mercy, no matter how inconvenienced I am or tired, or frustrated I get. When I respond in quick sharp tones, I am seeing that it literally tears him down and instructs him to speak in a similar way. It screams of anger and disapproval. It is not the way the Lord speaks to me.

I saw this so clearly when I spent just a couple moments thanking him for how I saw him show excellent self control in an situation where there was much much chaos and craziness a few days ago. When I was encouraging him, my sweet boy started to cry. He looked at me, whipping little tears from his eyes and said, "My eyes are just crying and I don't know why..." He told me his heart was so full of happiness it hurt. Oh my soul, let me speak life into this tender hearted boy. Lord keep me from being the means of hardening his heart, by my anger and impatience. Help me to love him in the way that you want me to.

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Oh this sweet sweet compassionate, science loving, Harry Potter Lego crazed, Mincraft obsessed,  snugly, passionate, justice loving, perfectionist, smart, silly blue eyed boy.... how this momma loves you. Thank you for being all you are, for fiercely loving everything you do, for loving our family so much. Thank you for seeing your daddy as a man to emulate and because of his example for always saying you want to be a daddy when you grow up. I love your silly stories, your desire to be understood, the way you long to have everyone you love be near to you. I love how you still let me hold hands with you, give me sweet kissess, and think that I am funny and cool.

I am so grateful to God that He gave me you. That you are my boy that made me a momma.


2 comments:

Emily said...

What beautiful and thoughtful words. Thank you for sharing your honesty + love!

Moriah said...

Happy Birthday Tyler! love and miss you sweet boy!