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Thank you so much for taking the time to visit our family blog. This may be your first visit here, or you may be a friend from across the globe, or family that we have just seen. Who ever you may be, thanks for taking the time to read about our little family, and all we are learning on this adventure the Lord has called us to live! Here you will find, the random thoughts, funny stories, prayer requests, and the journey our family and Jack is on with his battle with Leukemia.

.one of those days.

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Yesterday was one of those days. You know, one of those days where tears seemed to come on their own, unbidden, almost as if out of nowhere. We were in the car driving to Baltimore, to enjoy a family day together at the Maryland Science Center, when it dawned on me that my heart was heavy. As if I was under a cloud. I was just sad. If you know me, heaviness of heart is not something that typically describes me. But it also is certainly something that I have walked through before, and I am sure will feel again.

I began telling Jordan that I felt weak in my soul, and then the tears just came. Sometimes the reality that we have no medical guarantee of Jack being cured of his cancer, that there is always a chance that he might relapse, that we will have to go through all this again, that he might need a bone marrow transplant, and there is always the possibility that he might die from this cancer.

Sometimes this reality is more than my heart can bear. All of this. The pain, the hurt, the uncertainty, the changes in his body and life. Picking him up and feeling the port under his skin, giving him chemo everyday. Sometimes, it just grieves my heart. Sometimes I just want to curl up and hold him and cry.

I am grateful that these moments come, they make me take each moment with my children- ALL OF THEM- so much more precious to me. I have been more purposeful with them, snuggling and kissing whenever they are near. These moments, they sober me.

Jordan asked me some questions about what truth I can believe to help me not to despair... which was good. I do not think I was despairing, but I was sad. Sometimes I just need to cry. Get the raw emotion out. In my mind and heart, I am not doubting God. I know that even though we have no medical promise of complete cure, we have a savior and King who loves us infinitely more than I can imagine, and since I know that Jesus came to die for the sins of the world, there can be no room for doubt that he will give us lavish grace for whatever lay before us. I know this to be true. This brings peace to my soul.

I know that it is dangerous ground to tread, this land of what-ifs. There is no grace for it.. not yet. So it becomes a dance, a tricky balance of looking to the future, although uncertain, and holding fast to truth and faith, the only thing I have that is in fact, certain. I read today from a sermon by John Piper the following, "The ultimate purpose in our weakness is to glorify the kind of power that moved Christ to the to the cross and kept him there until the work of love was done. The deepest need that you and I have in weakness and adversity is not quick relief, but the well-grounded confidence that what is happening to us is the greatest purpose of God in the universe. That is what God is building into our lives."

So good, right? Yet, sometimes I just need to have a good cry. Even in the midst of sadness, I can still say, by the grace of God alone, that it is well with my soul.

9 comments:

Alisha O'Halloran said...

Love you Tali! We are praying and I am thinking of you constantly. I pray God's comfort today and that you will see His hand in all of this. This life is not for the faint of heart....you are a strong woman!

bobbie said...

I'm glad that you know that it's okay to cry and be real in the midst of the trials. Thank you Tali for sharing your heart so openly.

Anonymous said...

Jesus wept. We all wonder about the "what if's" The thing cancer taught me is that we are never promised tomorrow, we need to cherish every day. It is harder when it is your child involved. You are in my prayers daily.

mar said...

I think that feeling emotion--joy, sadness, passion, loss--those are what make us human. Those emotions make our art beautiful, our souls full. Tali, if you weren't sad I would be worried. You and your family have carried the weight of this trial with such grace and faith and love. But, suffering causes even those most in love with God to have their hearts ache. The beauty of your test is that you found God within it--found the silver lining and were true to yourself. **forgive the about to be slight crudeness** Y'all are kicking this cancer's ass as hard as you can, hang in there babe! so proud of you.

Shannan Collins said...

Tali, I have been reading your updates for a long time now. You and your precious family have weighed deeply on my heart and I have been praying that our Almighty God would meet you each moment that you need Him. Tali, for as long as I have known you (way back in the montrose days), you have been such a beautiful person inside and out! Your strength and courage as a mother, wife, and woman inspires me and I am sure you inspire every woman that knows you! Your heartfelt words, tenderness and open heart is yet more things that make the beautiful person you are! I know its been a long time since we have chatted but that should be further more proof that God has gathered an army of prayer warriors to lift your family up to Him. If there is anything I can ever do, please let me know. Hope we run into each other soon!

Shannan Collins

Anonymous said...

Tali-

We love you!!! There are no words that I could possibly say to take away your suffering. I pray for Gods comfort on you and your family and know you will come through this on the other side with a deeper love and a stronger faith for the Lord and all He does for us.

Love you!

Lindsay Zahra

joannekerr said...

John 11:32-35 "Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, "Where have you laid him?" They said to him, "Lord, come and see." Jesus wept."
Tali, this passage does not clearly tell us why Jesus wept. But we do know that He loved Lazarus and his sisters. Jesus knew that Lazarus would live again. Maybe He was troubled by unbelief ... But maybe He grieved over the reality of suffering and death in this world. He would face
them Himself. Since Jesus wept in the face of suffering, I believe He is a high priest who sympathizes with your tears and invites you to bring them to Him, where you will find
mercy and grace.
In love,
Joanne Kerr

joannekerr said...

John 11:32-35 "Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, "Where have you laid him?" They said to him, "Lord, come and see." Jesus wept."
Tali, this passage does not clearly tell us why Jesus wept. But we do know that He loved Lazarus and his sisters. Jesus knew that Lazarus would live again. Maybe He was troubled by unbelief ... But maybe He grieved over the reality of suffering and death in this world. He would face them Himself. Since Jesus wept in the face of suffering, I believe He is a high priest who sympathizes with your tears and sadness and invites you to bring them to Him, where you will find mercy and grace.
From a friend you've never met,
Joanne Kerr

Jami said...

Oh dear friend. I love you. This is a beautiful post. Thank you for being so real and for your deep, unwavering faith. I miss you like crazy and I really want to hug Jackers right now!!