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i never want to forget

This week, we went in the clinic for our monthly visit, to get IV chemotherapy and a spinal tap. My buddy had to fast since he was going under general anesthesia for this procedure and was, as a result, not happy about getting his port accessed and not being allowed to eat. The day went by quickly though, and Jack was the second patient to go back to the procedure room. There is no other experience in life, like holding your child as they are given sedation. The feeling of their weight suddenly increasing as it sets in and they totally relax, awkwardly trying to cradle their now floppy head as you lay them on the operating table. I think now, over two years into this, I have finally figured out the best way to cradle him against me so that I can be whispering how much I love him in his ear as he drifts to sleep, while supporting the fullness of his body and little head.

I am always amazed at how quickly these spinal taps are wrapped up. It seems only 10 minutes between the time I lay him down on the bed to the moments I see his bed being wheeled back into our room. Thankfully, we were all finished up and on our way out the door by noon. I love that my face is the first one he sees when his eyes finally open. It fills me with happiness to hear him sweetly say, "Hi momma," moments after his eyes flutter open. Usually, the next words are, "can I have my snack now?" Once he was sitting up and allowed to eat, he cheered right up, sweet boy. Food really is the way to this little man's heart. And now, steroid week will demonstrate that to me again, in a thorough and mighty way~ gotta remember to tell that to his future wife one day.

As he was wheeled back into our room, asleep still from the anesthesia, covered in tubes and wires to monitor him as he slept, I couldn't help but take a few photos. You see, I never want to forget what this moment feels like. I never want to forget the utter weakness I feel, the helplessness that rings true to my inability to do anything to shield my boy from these things he must endure. I simply cannot stand in front of him and take them away. I do not want to forget the way my heart hurts to see him lay there, completely sedated having had spinal fluid removed again, needles poked into his spine and chest, having him miss simple childhood things. It hurts my heart to see him protectively cover the spots on his body where he now has band-aids and "stickers" that read his heart rate and breathing, as they have hurt him so many times when removed. I wish I could take these thing upon myself or just lessen his aches and pains. With all my heart I would love to take these things away.

But, it is so important to me, that I do not forget that in that moment, while looking down upon my sleeping baby, that the GOD-OF-ALL-CREATION is near, truly and sincerely. He is near to my broken heart, he is upholding my boys needle prodded body, and he is giving us peace that truly passes understanding. I never want to forget that I know without doubt that HE has upheld Jack and will continue to do so. That He is upholding me. In that moment, I felt the sweet peace and joy of the Lord, in a circumstance that would not normally bring peace and joy. I do not want to forget that. Never.

I do not want to forget, the kindness of the Lord's providence, that our nurse that visit was a strong Christian, whom I was able to fellowship over his bedside while he slept. I do not want to forget how much amazing strength and stamina my little boy has been given by the Lord. I do not want to forget that I have experienced how when I am weak, the Lord is strong. I do not want to forget what it looks like to gaze upon your child covered in medical paraphernalia, and know in my heart that the Lord is near, that we are loved by Him, and that He is mighty to save.

I do not want to forget that even thought my heart hurts for a little while, He will one day wipe away every tear. He gives us a new song, and fills us with joy. I do not want to forget his constant mercy and grace to us.

“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagles....He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear Him. For He knows our frame and He remembers that we are dust.” ~Psalm 103:1-5, 10-14

I just never want to forget these things.

Comments

Debbie said…
This is moving, Tali. Thank you for this post... for pointing my eyes and heart to our gacious God who is near.
March 8, 2012 at 5:26 AM
Julie Purswell said…
"We will not hid them from their children, but tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the LORD, and His might, and the wonders that He has done...that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, and arise and tell them to their children, SO THAT they should set their hope in GOD and NOT FORGET the works of God..." (Psalm 78:4, 6-7).

We will not forget with you, sweet Tali. Thank you for "fixing your eyes..."

Love, The Purswells
March 8, 2012 at 1:45 PM
Julie Purswell said…
"We will not hide them from their children, but tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the LORD, and His might, and the wonders that He has done...that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, and arise and tell them to their children, SO THAT they should set their hope in GOD and NOT FORGET the works of God..." (Psalm 78:4, 6-7)

We will not forget with you, Sweet Tali. Thanks for "fixing your eyes..."
Love, The Purswells
March 8, 2012 at 1:50 PM
Orinda said…
My dearest tail, this makes me miss you so much! My heart aches for you, but my heart rejoices in the strength of God that he has provided all that is needed.

I pray that you may never forget, these things so that you may share them with your very courageous child, as he grows into that mighty warrior God has planned for his life.

Know if my arms could reach over an ocean I would be giving you a huge huge huge hug!!! Love and miss you and so proud of the mummy you are!!! Xxx
March 26, 2012 at 8:12 AM
Anonymous said…
These lessons learned in brokenness are always the most rich. I often wish God would choose another, less painful way to teach us, but he is so faithful even in the pain. I'm praying for you guys!
October 4, 2012 at 10:56 PM
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