Thank you so much for taking the time to visit our family blog. This may be your first visit here, or you may be a friend from across the globe, or family that we have just seen. Who ever you may be, thanks for taking the time to read about our little family, and all we are learning on this adventure the Lord has called us to live! Here you will find, the random thoughts, funny stories, prayer requests, and the journey our family and Jack is on with his battle with Leukemia.

when you dont get what you want

There are many times in the course of the day where I can say that I have not gotten what I wanted.  The list is long and ranges from somewhat simple to a bit more complex. Sometimes, this list of unmet desires is easily brushed off and does not deeply effect me. Other times, one of these things just trips me up so hard, that I tailspin into despair and hopelessness rather quickly. This isn't an everyday occurrence, but it is enough that I realize how quickly my hope gets put into the wrong things and how much I need to be reminded of truth.

I long for a clean home (for more than the 10 minutes I get before a little person un-does it all), I would love to have respectful and obedient children most of the time, I would love to be able to loose those extra stubborn pounds that just wont budge, I would love to have a maid, or just sleep more,  I want my skin to clear up and be blemish free, I want my son to be rid of cancer forever, I want those I love to know Jesus as their savior, I want our church to reach Arlington with the power of the gospel in powerful ways, I want to know Jesus deeper and love reading the Bible more... so many things. I really could go on. But that would not be helpful to anyone. So lets bring it to the now, where I am currently dealing with a very real un-met want.

In the past many months, 8 to be exact, it would seems as though the Lord is telling me no on something that I want very dearly to my heart. You see, we "decided" that we were finally in faith to add another little person to our family, being that we were so close to the end of Jack's treatment. Seeing as we were in faith, and that I had conceived almost immediately with the other three children, I fully expected to be carrying a babe in my womb by now. Jack getting cancer put a pause on my "plans" to be a family with 4 kids, and so the desire for another baby (and hope for a daughter) have been long brewing in my heart.

I had been content to wait it out, until we were in a better place and ready to add more to our already crazy life. But you see, I always had "plans." I had an idea of what was in fact "good for our family" Cancer was NOT part of that plan. But neither was many months of not getting pregnant.  When we arrived in that place of readiness, what a shock it was to go 1, then 2, then 3,4, 5, 6, 7 and now into the 8th month and not get pregnant.

What is remarkable, is that as I have been longing for this, I have been able to see many many many women in our families and church conceive. Isn't it the way the Lord works, that when we long for a blessing, we so easily see it being poured out into the lives of others. And by the grace of God, I have not once been angry or bitter at any one of those dear friends. And I have been able to rejoice with them. I see him at work in this area in my heart. He is helping me to lay down my idol of control, and to trust him with my days and lay my plans down. He is helping me to grow in contentment and peace, and deepening my trust in him when the things I want I do not get.

But it has been hard. Oh so hard. My heart has been longing for a baby for well over a year. There have been moments of grief and disappointment and heartache each month, but even then, the Lord swiftly reminds me of the truth that I truly want His plan and not my own for our life. I do wrestle for faith in this. God is faithful in meeting me, but I do have to fight for faith. It is a good fight, but one none the less.

God has been teaching me so much during this time. Each month I feel he is bringing new things to light and molding me more into his image and building more trust and faith in him. And here is one of the lessons I am most grateful for, I feel my heart bursting with empathy, compassion and deep care for the many many women who have struggled with infertility for years. In my weakness, 8 months seems like forever. And I feel I now have some small window into the heart ache that others face. And that is a lesson hard won and one Iam profoundly grateful to have learned, so that I may love others better. If the Lord has divine purposes in all of my trials, both big and small, I pray I run towards them with eyes fixed on a Father who loves and does not lead his children astray.

I read this poem this morning and it so encouraged my heart. If you find yourself more aware of the long list of things that are not going your way, I pray your soul be lifted up, as mine was this morning. From heartache to hope in the God who holds the key.

Is there some problem in your life to solve,
Some passage seeming full of mystery?
God knows, who brings the hidden things to light.
He keeps the key.

Is there some door closed by the Father's hand
Which widely opened you had hoped to see?
Trust God and wait--for when He shuts the door
He keeps the key.

Is there some earnest prayer unanswered yet,
Or answered NOT as you had thought 'twould be?
God will make clear His purpose by-and-by.
He keeps the key.

Have patience with your God, your patient God,
All wise, all knowing, no long tarrier He,
And of the door of all thy future life
He keeps the key.

Unfailing comfort, sweet and blessed rest,
To know of EVERY door He keeps the key.
That He at last when just HE sees 'tis best,
Will give it THEE.


Emily said...

thank you for posting this... excellent timing for my heart. i will pray over your longing!

Phil said...

This is beautiful, Tali. Thank you for sharing so honestly. I love you!