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Weakness

The past few days have been "one of those days"... you know the kind, where you are made a little more aware of how completely weak and helpless you truly are. In the midst of trials, I find that God has been ever faithful to lavish grace on me, and I am so grateful for these moments, as they are teaching me so much. The following tales, have been filled with moments of temptation, weakness, weariness, but also marked by laughter and grace.... God is good to teach with a gentle hand...

The past 4 weeks had been actually going very well, things were going quite smooth- two kids- home alone- not too bad ... perfect set up for me to learn a lesson and grow in my faith. Day one of the week of tantrums started with a rough going nap time.. Tyler fell asleep in the car on the way to Sam's club, and I had to wake him up for our little shopping trip. Once we got home, he didn't want to nap... after an hour of tears (his not mine) a diaper change, and some songs, he finally obeyed and closed his tired eyes and went to sleep. This ended with the sounds of my hungry baby filling the house, letting me know it was definitely time to eat! I nursed Jack, with hopes of taking a nap afterwards... it had been a long night of little sleep for me the night before, so I was pretty tired already.... I put Jack down and lay down eager for a few morsels of precious rest...

15 minutes after falling into a deep sleep- which immediately followed my head making contact with the pillow... I hear Tyler crying, and then an instant later, Jack started to cry.... and thus the madness began! Both boys were crying furiously... and inconsolably...

Tyler heard Jack crying and freaked out- toddler tantrum all the way- complete with kicking and screaming and throwing himself around- so I put Jack on our bed, and call Jordan for help/wisdom/prayers... I just felt so weak and utterly helpless. It took a good hour to calm Tyler down and get him to obey- meanwhile, poor baby boy cried in our room the entire time.

So a very similar scene has transpired at least once a day since that first episode... it is just so hard to know how to correct a screaming toddler when you have a baby attached to your breast! God has been kind to help me to laugh at the situations that I really cannot do anything about and to respond with joy. None the less, we have tried and are, by God's grace alone, committed to training our big boy. After seeking some counsel, we feel better equipped to deal with the task at hand...

I am seeing my need to be gracious and kind. To learn to be quick to respond in love and not anger, and to see my son's sins primarily against the Lord and not me. I am learning that even on a few hours of sleep, God WILL sustain me, and that is building my faith more and more. The nice thing about having only one child was, you can nap when they nap... add more kids to the mix, and naps become a precious gift and not a guarantee!! How kind of the Lord to show me that I, a wretch, deserve nothing.... and yet, he carries me and covers me with his wings.

This all may sound a bit fragmented... as my mind is has kind of not been working as well, since little baby Jack came into the world!!! Just my thoughts, as foggy as they are...

Oh, but how much I love these boys... I praise God for filling my heart with love and tenderness to these little lovely sinners... Isn't it amazing that I, the worst of all sinners have been given a heart of love for such sweet boys...

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