The Night Watches

Have you ever noticed the influence music has on you? On your feelings? The way it makes your body move, your fingers tap, your hips sway? Have you ever been revved up by a song, an anthem that propelled you to action? What was that song?  There was a time in my life a couple of years ago where I felt defeated. I felt overwhelmed and powerless and it left me feeling hollow in a lot of ways. One day in the middle of this difficult time, I was listening to music and this song came on that changed everything. That sounds pretty dramatic doesn't it? But truly, that's what it did. It gave me a fight song. It gave me words to say, loudly and passionately, that fueled my ability to get up off the ground, and brush the dust off and continue to fight on.  What was it about this song that caused such an immediate change? Was it the catchy lyrics or the melody? Perhaps it was both. In that moment, it was a lifeline to me. One that propelled me to action. Even still, several years later, ...

Where do you go when you feel entirely overwhelmed by the day? What do you do when the waves of emotion begin to overtake you and next steps feel just out of grasp? When there is just too much going on both in and around you?  Wednesday was one of those days for me. I had worked a long 8 hour day, filled with zoom meetings, phone calls, emails and management burdens that are often difficult to lay down at the end of the work day. The dinner hour was fast approaching. I definitely hadn't come up with a plan for dinner that night, and was rummaging through the fridge and then desperately rummaging through the freezer with the hopes that I had planned ahead at some previous point in my week. Alas, no dice. Breakfast for dinner it is.  Phone calls coming in from work, kids getting off the afternoon bus overflowing with a myriad of emotions all charged with the relief of having held it together all day. All to be greeted by an excited golden retriever who pees on the floor anytime ...

What is it about fame that drives us to do absolutely ridiculous, dangerous, absurd things? There is this drive to be seen, to be affirmed. We all have it. It's both silent and roaring within us.  I took a tour of an instagram account documenting influencers in the wild as they were creating their posts. These posts, the ones with thousands of likes, the ones that earn the coveted blue check mark, garnish reposts and the regular folk trying to recreate them. These are the posts that you will stumble upon while looking at your feed, the ones boomeranging in the middle of the posts by people you actually chose to follow.  These interruptions of the scheduled programming you have chosen to subscribe yourself to, thrust themselves into your line of sight, demanding to be watched. Dance moves, clothing try-ons, make-up tutorials, house DIY, sports clips, funny memes. It is an endless supply of distraction. I have clicked on many of them, taken on a ride into the world created there...

I often wonder if blogs are a thing of the past. In a world that is filled with voices, noise, distractions, and confusion- all of them constantly clamoring for our attention, the impression I get is this: no, no one actually wants to listen to another voice, no one has time to read a blog, and my words would fall flat in the midst of so much spectacle. It has been 5 years since I have logged into this account, dusted off the keys, and used my words to speak into the lives of anyone else, especially in this format. An enormous amount of life, sorrow and suffering has transpired in those years, and it feels silly to try to resurrect something so old, on a medium now antiquated. Pages and pages of journals have replaced this digital format. Tears spilled onto pages instead of keys. Less curated and impressive, those pages hold heart ache, prayers and sorrow. They also hold the truth of eternal value, heart transformations, and stories of hope. Is it time to revisit the notion of a blog, ...

friends, read to the end... I promise it is going to be worth it! And don't skip ahead....  Then the man said, “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking.” “I will not let you go,” Jacob replied, “unless you bless me.” ...Then he blessed Jacob there. — Gen 32:26,29 NET Jacob got the victory and the blessing not by wrestling, but by clinging. His limb was out of joint and he could struggle no longer, but he would not let go. Unable to wrestle, he wound his arms around the neck of his mysterious antagonist and hung all his helpless weight upon him, until at last he conquered. We will not get victory in prayer until we too cease our struggling, giving up our own will and throw our arms about our Father’s neck in clinging faith. What can puny human strength take by force out of the hand of Omnipotence? Can we wrest blessing by force from God? It is never the violence of willfulness that prevails with God. It is the might of clinging faith, that gets the blessing and the victories. I...

From Streams in the Desert: The land which I do give them, even the children of Israel ( Joshua 1:2 ). God is speaking about something immediate in this verse. It is not something He is going to do, but something He does do, in this very moment. So faith ever speaks. So God ever gives. He meets you today, in the present moment. This is the test of faith. So long as you are waiting for a thing, hoping for it, looking for it, you are not believing . It may be hope, it may be earnest desire, but it is not faith; for "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." The command in regard to believing prayer is the present tense. "When ye pray, believe that ye receive the things that ye desire, and ye shall have them." Have we come to that moment? Have we met God in His everlasting NOW? --Joshua, by Simpson True faith counts on God, and believes before it sees. Naturally, we want some evidence that our petition is granted before...

I've recently been pondering what the divine purpose to the Lord's plan to withhold another baby in our family might be. While I know the scriptures tell me over and over how unlike God I am, how His thoughts are not my thoughts, and how high and lifted up His ways are, I have still found myself eager to see deeper into his purpose for this time in my life. If I am to be tested I want to grow. I do not want to remain stagnant in this life.  I can think of many many reasons for this "closing of my womb" that make logical sense. I can see, when I am being my most objective, how it is wisdom to be all here right now with my three rascals that need all of me now. I can see how, if I had gotten pregnant 9 months ago when we began to try for baby #4, it might not have been the best timing. I an see these things. I may not like them. But I can see. A dear friend who has been carrying my desires to the Lord in prayer these past several months, reminded me of the all-kn...

There are many times in the course of the day where I can say that I have not gotten what I wanted.  The list is long and ranges from somewhat simple to a bit more complex. Sometimes, this list of unmet desires is easily brushed off and does not deeply effect me. Other times, one of these things just trips me up so hard, that I tailspin into despair and hopelessness rather quickly. This isn't an everyday occurrence, but it is enough that I realize how quickly my hope gets put into the wrong things and how much I need to be reminded of truth. I long for a clean home (for more than the 10 minutes I get before a little person un-does it all), I would love to have respectful and obedient children most of the time, I would love to be able to loose those extra stubborn pounds that just wont budge, I would love to have a maid, or just sleep more,  I want my skin to clear up and be blemish free, I want my son to be rid of cancer forever, I want those I love to know Jesus as their s...

If you have asked me how we are doing or we have talked at all in the past couple months, you have heard me say many times how excited we are for the end of Jack's treatment for Leukemia. Each month brings us closer to the end. Here we now are, only 4 short months away. This has been so anticipated, and I simply cannot believe how close to the end we actually are. I am amazed by the hand of the Lord carrying us, protecting Jack, and strengthening us in it all. At the very beginning of this journey, when the Dr. told me it would be 3 1/2 years of treatment, I thought it would be the longest time in my life. And now, here we stand on the cusp of that ending.  As we near the end of it all, I have been filled with many emotions and questions. If you think about it, the past almost three years have had a somewhat regular rhythm to them for us. Daily chemo, weekly then monthly Dr. visits, blood work ups to give us a baseline for where Jack was at, fever patrol ending with us in the E...

It is an amazing thing to look back on the past 7 years. Many things seem so long ago and forgotten in the dimness of my memory, many details lost and forgotten. And, yet so many other moments are so clearly etched into my heart and mind, that time will never erase them. On this day early in the morning hours, my water broke, 3 weeks before my actual due date. An unexpected surprise. On this day, my ideas and thoughts and dreams of becoming a mom became a reality. After 15 hours of labor and pushing for 2 1/2 more hours, I finally got to see and touch and kiss what hours before I could only imagine.This sweet chubby boy with a head full of black hair came into my arms and did things to my heart, I never knew were possible. In that moment, I became a momma, for real. All of a sudden, I went from kinda living in a sacrificial way for others, to being full on in the business of laying my life down for another, whether I was rested enough or not. Having such a lovable angel baby made...

As much as I have thought of this blog as being dead, I wanted to take the time to revive it, if only for this one post. I want to make sure I sit down, take the time to ponder and reflect on my sweet Jack, the celebration of his life, and be filled with gratefulness again for the gift he is to our family. My sweet strong survivor son is 5 years old. How can it be already? It is amazing how he can seem so little and be my snuggly affectionate baby, and yet he seems so mature and steady way beyond his 5 years of life. This sweet tender hearted boy amazes me time and time again. Jordan and I were just talking together about how he doesn't often react to things in a big way. For example, when we surprise him with things, he responds in a very measured way, calmly says, "I know...." For a dramatic momma, who wants to see a big happy response, this is very anti-climatic. Yet it is how he is. He just takes things in stride. Well, except when he is being bothered by his b...

This week, we went in the clinic for our monthly visit, to get IV chemotherapy and a spinal tap. My buddy had to fast since he was going under general anesthesia for this procedure and was, as a result, not happy about getting his port accessed and not being allowed to eat. The day went by quickly though, and Jack was the second patient to go back to the procedure room. There is no other experience in life, like holding your child as they are given sedation. The feeling of their weight suddenly increasing as it sets in and they totally relax, awkwardly trying to cradle their now floppy head as you lay them on the operating table. I think now, over two years into this, I have finally figured out the best way to cradle him against me so that I can be whispering how much I love him in his ear as he drifts to sleep, while supporting the fullness of his body and little head. I am always amazed at how quickly these spinal taps are wrapped up. It seems only 10 minutes between the time I lay h...

Wednesday night, while I was cooking dinner for our little family and a friend, my boys were quietly coloring at the dining room table. It was so peaceful and quiet. That should have been clue number one that something was amis. We were laughing and chatting in the kitchen, the meal just about complete. All of a sudden, Dylan ran into the room. But not your typical, racing speeds shouting something unintelligible. He ran straight to me, and wrapped himself around my legs. He hid his head between my knees. And he wasn't letting go. He said something along the lines of '"oh no", at least I think that is what he said.... He began to pull me towards the doorway that leads to our living room, all the while his grip on my leg remained firm. He was hesitant to take me to his destination, but also seemed like he knew he had to tell me something. He has never done this before. And so, I walked around the bend to find my cream colored couch covered with orange marker. To his cr...